When the Wind Blows

Well lets see here. Whats been happening?

Ah...on Wednesday some interesting things happened. Knowing my present "woes" over someone, my secretary, who is on a mission to find me a wife for some reason, informed me that a co-worker of mine has recently come onto the market again. I should note that I did take notice of her when she began work in January, but never said anything. At any rate, it seems that I came up in conversaion and she referred to me as "so adorable." My interest piqued, I continued to pump her for info. but instead we ended up talking about scotch. At that exact moment, that same certain co-worker droopped in to chat, and as it turns out she likes scotch too. My secretary was thrilled, and so the idea slowly began to form in my head. I should also say here that I decided not to keep the meet on friday, basically to save her mental sanity.

Valentine's Day was quite crazy. Aside from quibbling about meeting a certain someone on friday (again), it turned out to be a good day. Even though I work from outside the office on thursdays, I thought it would be fun to stop by work before I hit up the library and drop off some V-Day sweets for the gang. While there, "adorable" co-worker came into the main office with her dog (a beautiful black lab!!) and started nibbling on the candy. The dog, sweet as can be, sauntered up to me and I started to scratch behind his ears and rub his side. I got down on my haunches to do so, but thats when his owner warned "Uh-oh! Watch out for the lab lean!" Just then, the dog shifted all his weight into my chest and I fell backward on my ass and hit my head on the desk behind me. As I was laughing and rubbing my head, the dog crawled onto my chest and started lapping my face! It was quite the sight lol. Maybe I earned some points with mom?

Yesterday was a little nuts. I was running errands all day with a friend. Had to drop 90 bucks on a new power cable for my laptop too! We went to a restaurant to have a pint or two and discuss my current situation, and I decided that in the end this crap I have been worrying about is useless. Until she decides to leave him, I want no part of a relationship with her. I won't be the cause of her emotional distress, whether its warranted or not. So, I laid down the law and told her we were just friends until she made some decisions. I broker no hope though. On a lighter note, I exchanged a few messages with my co-worker online, and she sounds like a fun person! Oh, and my Golden Eagles pounded Pitt. in college basketball!

Today has been a little lazy. I slept in late as I was up LATE updating a website and have spent the majority of the day so far on the phone with a few old friends with whom I needed to catch up with. I guess its time to get some actual work done. Maybe more later-

Judas

"Idle talk and hollow promises
Chasing Judases...doubting Thomases
Don't just stand there and shout it
Do something about it"

People do a lot of talking don't they? Am I wrong for trusting people at their word? Even when they don't back it up time after time? It seems like everyone mistrusts what others say these days...like there is always an ulterior motive to be aware of. And its subtle too. Don't these people realize that by not trusting, they are, in fact, causing others to mistrust? I don't want to be a person who doubts the words of others...so shape up y'all. My approach to people shouldn't leave me hung out to dry so often.

Riding this roller coaster...

I guess I will keep my daily routine up here too...why not right? Hope I dont bore you too much. My last post all took place today as well.

Woke up for work LATE today, as I was chatting with someone until 5am. So, 11am I roll out of bed and drag my ass to work in this crazy freakin snow. Work, well, sucked. I spent most of it exchanging texts and e-mails with "her" and none of my appointments were fun at all. My next order of business was to return overdue books to the library. Of course, being in such a hurry and my mind being elsewhere, I forgot a book. So, I walk the 10 mins to the library carryng 29 books, and have to walk back, grab the one I forgot, trudge back through the snow, and drop it off. I was extremely unhappy and cold. I grabbed a coffee and dinner, I proceded to go print off my homework for my 6pm class. While in the lab, I had some good laughs as someone oversaw the e-mail from "her" that I was reading. Then I had to answer all the questions blah blah blah...although I do gush when I talk of her. Anyways, I grabbed a smoke, and headed to class.

Class was really enlightening. We talked about how disability services serves the campus. I had no idea so many students required special treatment. I have always believed that America is overly medicated, but maybe I am wrong.

Now, I am home and dealing with the urge to chain smoke. I promised "her" I would quit smoking so I am fighting those cravings. The irony of it all is that this situation is all that is keeping me smoking lol. Heres to life's little jokes at our expense. I am afraid I won't be able to sleep again tonight, and even more afraid of what new twists this saga will bring tomorrow.

"Into this night I wander, its morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread
Into the sea of waking dreams, I follow without pride
Cuz nothing comes between us here, and I won't be denied."

Peace

Tumbling Dice 2

Well, things have taken a crazy turn since my last post. Yesterday morning she texted me all excited about meeting finally this friday. We started making plans for it last night, but things got weird, in a good way, or so I thought. It got sexual, which is not my gig online, but I played along and it was amazing. It ended up with the two of us saying sweet nothings, wishing we were with each other, but ruing that we put ourselves in this position again.

The bottom line, after phone calls and e-mails today, is that she feels incredibly guilty for emotionally cheating on her boyfriend. Why can't she realize that one cannot feel guilt for following his/her heart? She was so excited about meeting when her feelings were repressed, but now that they are out in the open she is unsure. Is it just me, or is it a little naive to not pursue something that could be much better than what you have now? Hell, she has told me as much!

Those dice are still tumbling in my head...the last time they came to a dead stop was when I realized I had fallen for her. I hope when they do again it will be when she is finally in my arms.

Una Salus Victus-

Tumbling Dice

"A stroke of luck or a gift from god?
Hand of fate or devil's claws?
From below or saints above
You came to me..." - Garbage

Sometimes you just don't know. I guess thats the spice of life though right? Screw variety...its figuring out which people mean what to you. Well right now I have a doozy. Our relationship pretty much includes all types: meaningful conversation, light flirting, blowing off steam, deep discussion of how we feel about the other...we have even labeled some topics off-limits because we end up saying things we regret or make promises we are unable to keep. Now, to me this sounds like a romantic relationship in its infancy, but we have known each other for over 5 months now. She has a boyfriend, of course, which is what keeps things static. Yet, every now and again, because of stress, or alcohol or whatever, something sneaks out which melts me, and reinstills hope.

I guess I have to ride this to its probably bitter end...no?

TM

I just recieved tentative news that a...well lets just say friend, mentor and co-worker, passed away. This is hard to explain. Her name was TM, and I never met her. She was in charge of rallying a large group of people to finish playing an ARE (alternate reality experience) in support of an upcoming film. I was a player, and one of those she took into confidence. Over a period of 5 months, she and I became somewhat close. We shared similar senses of humor, and a love for cryptic language lol. Heres the catch:

I, along with a few others, might have been the last one to talk to her before she passed. The informer said she passed at 6:30am this morning, and I was laughing with her at 3:30.

My mind feels like its cracking into pieces. Words she spoke to me might be the last vestige of her existence. The power and sorrow of it all...the responsibility (whether warranted or not)...its all so immense. Was it her choice? Knowing she was fading did she choose to spend her last moments with Internet friends she had never met? We were her charge...it was her job to shepherd us along through the experience...but had we become her raison d'etre as the twilight of her life approached?

"Death is only the beginning..." I can only hope this is true...

"As well try to understand the sun. It simply is, and it is not to be understood. You cannot live without it, but it exacts a price. So with women."

Just thought I would add this real quick as, on a daily basis, all men should remind themselves of it.

It begins

"Welcome to my nightmare" as Alice Cooper would say. Seriously though, welcome to my mind, those of you who are reading this. Here are the rules: not much of what I write will be "personal" but without doubt there will be personal undertones to everything I write. I will try not to use names as I post. I intend to use this blog for amusing anecdotes, to blow off steam, to post random quotations I like...hell, who am I kidding...I will use it for whatever reason strikes my fancy at the time. I guess those really weren't rules though were they?



At any rate, be welcome, have fun, and leave comments as you please...



My first real update should come some time later this evening.



Oh, and call me Hawk-