The inability to find balance
We all, by the very nature of our existence as humans, are searching for balance between external and internal stimuli. Our existence is like a patch of ground waiting for rain. Not enough rain and we are left barren and nary a seed will grow. Such a place only cultivates hard dirt, cracked and baked by the sun, an emotionless, colorless husk. A downpour is equally dangerous because in such circumstances, the best of us can simply be washed away, lost in the rapids, leaving us destitute without roots or an anchor. The external environment, family, friends, significant others, entertainment etc. is full of distractions we like and think we need. In some cases, such as family, this may be correct to a certain extent. But more often than not, we overindulge and forget that at our core we are thinking beings. Too much rain and we fixate on the outside, on the things we think will make us happy or will at least distract us from some other worry or torment on the inside. But not enough rain and we become lost in our own minds, questing for answers and forgetting that we are simultaneously crying out for validation, love, affection and justification. Its a dangerous path people walk trying to balance these two diametrically opposed ideas. So how does one bring them into balance?
For the two to be in harmony, one must first recognize where the dearths are, where the too much and too little occur, and then seek to remedy those situations. For those hellbent on a life filled with continuous motion, that is to say work, personal interactions, social gatherings, and general type A personalities or so they are called, the old adage "stop and smell the roses" seems pertinent. These people are so constantly in flight from one thing to the next that they miss the glory of the little things, the details. Their minds are so busy focusing on the next appointment, next date, or next item on the checklist that they miss half of their world. And then when for one reason or another things come to a momentary halt, they wonder why they are so lonely. Their solution? Find something else to occupy their time until the next shindig or whatever. But the roses adage is not enough. SUppose the hedge-fund manager does take a pause to try and appreciate the details...how does he/she know how? Do they go to a park? Thats where the other type As go to relax. Do they have a drink and watch a movie? Do they read a book? All are viable options, but I ask you: what will these people get out of the experience? Their minds have been trained, nay honed, to seek out the fastest and most immediate solutions and follow through so they can attack the next problem or issue. Lets leave this person alone for a minute and move over to the introverts, the people who live in their minds, the ones who move slowly and refuse to make lists. These people have no problem seeing the finer details and in fact, they crave them. Examining the minutae, contemplating existence, making connections between dispirate ideas, that is the forte of these people. However, they cannot see the proverbial forest. They miss out on all the benefits of human interaction, the day to day exquisiteness of crossing things off of lists. Take the philosopher who sits alone contemplating life. He is so concerned with the big questions that the little things fall by the wayside: friendships, family, a drink and a smoke. In essence, while endeavoring to discover the keys to human existence, these people miss out on the very reminders of what makes us human.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Forsaken Time
And so, it appears this chapter of the Catherine book has closed. I don't care to paste this morning's e-mails, but long story short, she is weirded out by the "girl/guy" thing and, oh, she still has feelings for Aaron. Apparently, she has issues dealing with situations like this, and has informed me that we should not talk so much anymore. I cannot say that I am not dissappointed, but the blow was definitely softened by what I witnessed last night.
For now, its time to move on, ever onward.
For now, its time to move on, ever onward.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Obituary
"Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. Ultimately Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny."
Well, tonight was a dismal failure on just about every level imaginable. For one thing, Catherine and I had dinner and went shopping, and she told me she didnt want to swim anymore. My spirits soared knowing that Aaron would not be coming. Until, she mentioned that Aaron was debating about coming down to swim, and she was reconsidering swimming. And then he finally decided to come. Fuck...that...shit. After two hours in the pool experiencing the oddest deja vu sensation, I realized it was because it was the exact same thing that happened last time we swam: I diddled around while he was all over her. I finally had enough of almost throwing up in my own mouth, so I let them swim and left to have a smoke. Yes I know I quit, but it was warranted. I am left wondering if I misread all the little signs she sent, or if she is just a natural flirt and I saw what I wanted to see. Maybe ita time to cut my losses and head for firmer ground, as in start thinking of her as only a friend.
So, to sum up: I was excited to see Catherine, but she pulled a really dumb move by inviting Aaron as well. I even wonder if she knew what it was doing to me. I am very unhappy right now.
Sent this before bed: In the interest of our conversation about open communication earlier today, I write this letter.
In the future, I would ask that you do not invite me over to swim while Aaron is there. I spent tonight in a perpetual deja vu loop from 6 weeks or so ago...you remember the night right? The one where I was an enormous third wheel as you and Aaron hung all over each other and flirted and kissed? Well, tonight was pretty much the same for me minus the kissing. It sucks to just sit and watch that, regardless of where we stand, (not that I could begin to describe it anyways). I am fine with the friends for sure, but lets wait and see attitude you mentioned, but even still, I was rendered more/less speechless tonight. Perhaps I misunderstood something?
Please don't mistake this as me being angry or cutting you off or anything like that. Maybe this is just the "weirdness of the girl/guy thing" you were talking about the other day, but I hope you are willing to talk about it. I guess I just don't know where I stand, and that bothers me. This is just me telling you where I stand, so you know.
Anyways, I'm heading to bed. G'night.
Well, tonight was a dismal failure on just about every level imaginable. For one thing, Catherine and I had dinner and went shopping, and she told me she didnt want to swim anymore. My spirits soared knowing that Aaron would not be coming. Until, she mentioned that Aaron was debating about coming down to swim, and she was reconsidering swimming. And then he finally decided to come. Fuck...that...shit. After two hours in the pool experiencing the oddest deja vu sensation, I realized it was because it was the exact same thing that happened last time we swam: I diddled around while he was all over her. I finally had enough of almost throwing up in my own mouth, so I let them swim and left to have a smoke. Yes I know I quit, but it was warranted. I am left wondering if I misread all the little signs she sent, or if she is just a natural flirt and I saw what I wanted to see. Maybe ita time to cut my losses and head for firmer ground, as in start thinking of her as only a friend.
So, to sum up: I was excited to see Catherine, but she pulled a really dumb move by inviting Aaron as well. I even wonder if she knew what it was doing to me. I am very unhappy right now.
Sent this before bed: In the interest of our conversation about open communication earlier today, I write this letter.
In the future, I would ask that you do not invite me over to swim while Aaron is there. I spent tonight in a perpetual deja vu loop from 6 weeks or so ago...you remember the night right? The one where I was an enormous third wheel as you and Aaron hung all over each other and flirted and kissed? Well, tonight was pretty much the same for me minus the kissing. It sucks to just sit and watch that, regardless of where we stand, (not that I could begin to describe it anyways). I am fine with the friends for sure, but lets wait and see attitude you mentioned, but even still, I was rendered more/less speechless tonight. Perhaps I misunderstood something?
Please don't mistake this as me being angry or cutting you off or anything like that. Maybe this is just the "weirdness of the girl/guy thing" you were talking about the other day, but I hope you are willing to talk about it. I guess I just don't know where I stand, and that bothers me. This is just me telling you where I stand, so you know.
Anyways, I'm heading to bed. G'night.
Hornswaggled
So she's home now, and I get two texts:
1) "I'm going swimming tonight...care to join?"
2) "BTW you are awesome. Just thought I'd say it again :)"
So I am thinking alright, mission accomplished. She's happy, so I am happy. And now I have a midnight swim date. Good deal. But you know those moments when the back of your head nudges you and says "Hey man. You KNOW it can't be that easy. You didn't think this was a fairy tale did you? Oh you did? HAHAHAHA oh son, you'd best check your bases." So I did. 2 Facebook messages.
1) "You are unbelievably wonderfully stupendously tangibly great!" (This was in reference to my emial telling her that I went over and closed all her windows because it was storming pretty heavily here).
2) "Hey guys! I'Il have one more night free to do whatever I want... and I figure I'll go swimming! Let me know if you want to join. :) Text me, I'll be at work. Hope your days are going great and talk to you soon.
Catherine"
Standard English conventions dictate that use of the term "guys" necessitates more than one person to be present, strictly speaking, more than one male. Low and behold, the other person in the invite is Aaron...the guy she was seeing when she and I met...the one who treated her like crap...the one with whom I had a falling out with and only just within the last week started talking to again.
I am left to wonder what she can possibly be thinking. Even if there were no romantic overtones to our friendship/relationship, it would be a bad idea. The last time the three of us were together, things went incredibly, fantastically wrong. I can only come to two conclusions. Either this is a signal to me that she and I are just friends, or she wants to rub "us" in Aaron's face. Seeing as she is not a vindictive person at all, I have to think that option number one is the answer.
Indeed, this could be an interesting evening, and by interesting I mean a clusterfuck of epic proportions. Clusterfuck sounds like a candy bar, full of chocolate and fuck. Nougaty fuck. I'm certain I will have one if not several updates as this situation comes to a crescendo.
1) "I'm going swimming tonight...care to join?"
2) "BTW you are awesome. Just thought I'd say it again :)"
So I am thinking alright, mission accomplished. She's happy, so I am happy. And now I have a midnight swim date. Good deal. But you know those moments when the back of your head nudges you and says "Hey man. You KNOW it can't be that easy. You didn't think this was a fairy tale did you? Oh you did? HAHAHAHA oh son, you'd best check your bases." So I did. 2 Facebook messages.
1) "You are unbelievably wonderfully stupendously tangibly great!" (This was in reference to my emial telling her that I went over and closed all her windows because it was storming pretty heavily here).
2) "Hey guys! I'Il have one more night free to do whatever I want... and I figure I'll go swimming! Let me know if you want to join. :) Text me, I'll be at work. Hope your days are going great and talk to you soon.
Catherine"
Standard English conventions dictate that use of the term "guys" necessitates more than one person to be present, strictly speaking, more than one male. Low and behold, the other person in the invite is Aaron...the guy she was seeing when she and I met...the one who treated her like crap...the one with whom I had a falling out with and only just within the last week started talking to again.
I am left to wonder what she can possibly be thinking. Even if there were no romantic overtones to our friendship/relationship, it would be a bad idea. The last time the three of us were together, things went incredibly, fantastically wrong. I can only come to two conclusions. Either this is a signal to me that she and I are just friends, or she wants to rub "us" in Aaron's face. Seeing as she is not a vindictive person at all, I have to think that option number one is the answer.
Indeed, this could be an interesting evening, and by interesting I mean a clusterfuck of epic proportions. Clusterfuck sounds like a candy bar, full of chocolate and fuck. Nougaty fuck. I'm certain I will have one if not several updates as this situation comes to a crescendo.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Innocent Man
Yeah, I can't get that Billy Joel song out of my head. At least its a good song, and I enjoy crooning it in my car. The lyrics just fit right now.
Anyways, Operation: Surprise Catherine was put into motion last night. Lemon meringue pie, pinapple, popsicles and Junior Mints...we'll see how she responds. Might have been a little over the top, but then again I don't really do anything half-assed anymore. If she had come home today I think she would have said something, so she must be waiting until tomorrow. I was at her apartment until around 3am setting it up. This is because I was chilling with my next door neighbors Becca and Jeff (ages 43 and 57 respectively) just listening to some good music and having some laughs. Jeff was a corman in Vietnam so I got a few stories from him, which was cool. Becca had asked me to give her a ride to physical therapy this morning at 8am, so obviously I didn't get much sleep last night.
So far today has been a lazy day. After taking Becca to PT and then pickering her up again, I have just been laying around. My back is giving me some serious issues for whatever reason, so I have been using my heating pad. Can't believe I am getting old already. Oh...and it turns out that whoever replaced my windows a few months ago did a shitty-ass job of it, and now my living room window leaks. Dumb bastards.
Other than that the weather forcast is for rain and thunderstorms all week. Finally...I have been waiting for a good t-storm all summer!
Anyways, Operation: Surprise Catherine was put into motion last night. Lemon meringue pie, pinapple, popsicles and Junior Mints...we'll see how she responds. Might have been a little over the top, but then again I don't really do anything half-assed anymore. If she had come home today I think she would have said something, so she must be waiting until tomorrow. I was at her apartment until around 3am setting it up. This is because I was chilling with my next door neighbors Becca and Jeff (ages 43 and 57 respectively) just listening to some good music and having some laughs. Jeff was a corman in Vietnam so I got a few stories from him, which was cool. Becca had asked me to give her a ride to physical therapy this morning at 8am, so obviously I didn't get much sleep last night.
So far today has been a lazy day. After taking Becca to PT and then pickering her up again, I have just been laying around. My back is giving me some serious issues for whatever reason, so I have been using my heating pad. Can't believe I am getting old already. Oh...and it turns out that whoever replaced my windows a few months ago did a shitty-ass job of it, and now my living room window leaks. Dumb bastards.
Other than that the weather forcast is for rain and thunderstorms all week. Finally...I have been waiting for a good t-storm all summer!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
The Inbetweener
Hey! So its been a few days since I have caught up with this thing. Heres an update.
The night of my last post (wednesday) Catherine and I DID talk for a while, although it was over Facebook since she is still in Texas and did not want to wake her friends up by talking late on the phone. I am the eternal packrat, so here is the conversation, at least the relevent parts.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11:38pmCatherine
ok, so we'll helpt each other through our own each other's madnesses
11:39pmMootown
Thats usually how it works, though I now I am regretting using the term madness. Maybe personal quirks and idiosynchracies is better?
Not so ominous
11:39pmCatherine
and be there to kick each other's butts when we need it
yeah, i'm not mad
i'm not crazy
11:39pmMootown
This I know
11:39pmCatherine
but i have some issues that i need to resolve
like everyone
11:40pmMootown
Lol, why do I feel like you are trying to warn me away from you?
11:40pmCatherine
i am going to bed now
lol
because nothing but heartache comes from me lol
11:40pmMootown
uh, not real sure how to take that, but ok?
11:41pmCatherine
hahaha
11:41pmMootown
Now I AM a little worried lol
11:41pmCatherine
you think i'm crazy now?
i gotta goooo to bed
11:42pmMootown
No, but I am trying to read between the lines of what yousaying and what you are trying to hide from me, and usually I can easily. With you I can't so well?
11:42pmCatherine
not understanding things
Mootown
Bah, never mind me over analyzing things.
11:43pmCatherine
haha ok can we continue another time when i know what i'm talking about?
cause right now i'm just tarying to keep my head off the eypyoard
kay
key
board
11:43pmMootown
Sounds like a plan. Sweetest drams Catherine.
11:44pmCatherine
not trying to push you away
not making sens
e
good night
:)
maybe i am cause you're a guy
not sure this is the time to talk about it! loll
11:45pmMootown
Lol, you had better decide because you bringing some things up here and I am not gonna be happy if you leave me hangin'
11:45pmCatherine
ok
11:45pmMootown
Well, not not happy, but wondering a lot tomorrow lol
11:46pmCatherine
damn now other people sending messages
want to go to bed.
11:46pmMootown
lol
11:46pmCatherine
i like you and our talks and spendingtime together
11:46pmMootown
As do I
but I sense a but?
11:47pmCatherine
i hope that it doesn't get weird with the guy girl thing, but you've ginven me no reason to believe it would, i think carolyn just telling me to be careful put these thoughts in my head
i don't want someone in my life or in liam's life that we really like just go away one day
i guess that's the issue
getting close and fearing it will stop so not want ing to get close
11:49pmMootown
Gimme a sec here to respond K? My phone just rang. Getting rid of the caller
11:49pmCatherine
k
Mootown
Hmm, well I will tell you what I told my best friend Dan earlier tonight. I am at a point with you where I am not sure what to think. I really enjoy spending time with you, and I won't lie, I am attracted to you. I have just been playing it cool because I didnt knwo what you wanted, or what you were thinking. Its still early enough in our friendship/relationship or whatever, to dictate what happens. If you just want to be friends, then thats great! If you want something more, I
am open to that too. I can tell you that I am not a hit and run kind of guy...usually when people worm their way into my life/heart, they stay there. So, if you are afraid that I will up and leave, you needn't worry about that.
Whew, my fingers are panting
11:54pmCatherine
haha
ok i'm glad you told me that
Mootown
But I understand that just saying these things is not exactly proof. I realize we have been spending a lot of time together, and I don't want to be a flash in the pan for you either lol
11:54pmCatherine
hold on...
11:54pmMootown
k
11:56pmCatherine
you are someone that i don't want to just "try it and see" because i feel like our friendship is meaningful to me. I also feel like i want that support and give support without the confusion of a romantic relationship because that's where my issues lie. i don't know how i'll feel down the road, but that's where i stand now
11:59pmMootown
Thats fair. Honestly, I didn't want to bring anything up until after things had settled down a bit for you. I mean, its obvious that there is something there, but I didn't want you to think I was taking advantage of the situation. In truth, your friendship is also very valuable to me, but since you have been gone, I have been thinking, perhaps too much. Anyways, its good to know where you stand.
11:59pmMootown
:)
12:00amCatherine
don't think too much lol
12:00amMootown
LOL
preaching to the choir
12:01amCatherine
haha
12:02amMootown
Well, I am not gonna keep pressing this. Like I told you, I am a bit of a fatalist so I am a wait and see person. You certainly don't need any more pressure put on you.
12:03amCatherine
lol
i like the wait and see attitude
but i want to be sure that you would still be around if we ended up only friends
12:04amCatherine
or rather, i'd want to know if you would or wouldn't want to be
12:06amCatherine
i don
t even need to know tonight
lol
just something in my head
12:06amMootown
lol. Catherine, I can't tell the future. Wish I could. I can tell you this though: I believe that if we just remain friends I will still be around, and if we try something and it turns out it does not work out, I would still be your friend. Granted it would be difficult at first, but I have done it before, and from what I know about you and the way we interact and see the world, I would still be your friend
sorry, I type slow when I am thinking
12:07amCatherine
haha ok
ok i am glad and i am going to bed!
lol
12:07amMootown
sigh lol
ok
sleep tight Catherine
12:08amCatherine
you too arron
aaron
don't stay up late thinkgin!
or spelling
12:08amMootown
Rofl
no promises
12:08amCatherine
haha
12:08amMootown
gonna go see the stars now...like I wont be thinking under the night sky
12:08amCatherine
powering down...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
12:09amMootown
sweet dreams;)
12:09amCatherine
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
ok goodnight
12:10amMootown
Lol go to bed! G'night Catherine!
12:10amCatherine
goodnight
12:12amCatherine is offline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I e-mailed her this the next day.
So I tried not to overthink anything, and to finish my thoughts from yesterday's conversation, I have this to say. Why don't we hold off on any more discussions like this. We start school and work in a week and a half, and you have Liam back. We don't really know each other outside the blissful do nothing-ness of summer, and Liam certainly doesn't know me yet. In other words, real life is about to set in. Lets just play it cool for a while and keep exploring each other without pretense or labels. This mutually supportive, witty and substantive quid pro quo thing we have going on seems to be working, so why mess with it? Lets just be adults who enjoy each other's company while letting God/fate or what have you attend to everything else.
To which she responded favorably saying "That sounds really good Aaron!"
Anyways, that night Brian came down about 1:30am and we went for a drive to see if we could still see some of the Persied meteor shower. I needed to talk this out with someone...get an objective perspective. Well, five minutes into the drive I got pulled over and was given a field sobriety test, which of course I passed and only received a warning. As if I wasn't jumpy enough already! Brian's advice boiled down to this: be careful man because she has a hole she is trying to fill. I know you think she is strong, but I can see her falling apart pretty easily and you will be the one who is left to reassemble the pieces." I took this with a grain of salt because Brian has been married and divorced already, and because he has only met Catherine twice. Indeed, I think she is stronger than he can see. Like everyone, she just needs a rock to lean on every now and again.
On friday, I ran over to Catherine's place (did I mention she left me her keys so I could water her plants and get her mail already?)to leave a surprise for her and Liam. I thought they were coming home that night, so I made a small meal for them so Catherine would not have to cook after a long day of flying and then driving home from Akron. I also made a balloon animal and put it in Liam's room. Of course I found out late that night that she was not coming home until monday! Funny, she never told me when she was coming home! I told her she had ruined my surprise, but she said she LOVES surprises and now she is expecting one, so I need to do something else. Sigh...the best laid plans eh?
Anyways, we talked a bit tonight on the phone (it was so good to hear her voice!) because I called her when she told me she was coming home alone monday so she could work her 20 hrs on tuesday and wednesday, and then drive back to her mom's in Akron wednesday night to get Liam, and come back Thursday. This upset the new surprise I had been planning!! Got to put my thinking cap on now...There was one highpoint of the conversation though. She had a terrible headache, and I told her I was going to let her sleep, but she told me that now that she heard my voice, she wanted me to stay and talk to her for a while. Her words "Now that I hear your voice, I want to hear more." TO which I replied "I don't want to keep you awake!" Her response: "talk monkey talk!" I love her sense of humor! We talked a bit more about nothing in particular and then hung up. Man, I really miss her...
So, thats about it. Tomorrow I am heading to Delta to hang with my mom's side of the family and swim with my cousins. Kaleb is 5, the same age as Liam, so I can brush up on my ability to hang with kids before I meet Liam later this week.
Oh, and my new surprise is to make a bunch of balloon animals for Liam when he comes home. Now I need to think of something to do for Catherine...
The night of my last post (wednesday) Catherine and I DID talk for a while, although it was over Facebook since she is still in Texas and did not want to wake her friends up by talking late on the phone. I am the eternal packrat, so here is the conversation, at least the relevent parts.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11:38pmCatherine
ok, so we'll helpt each other through our own each other's madnesses
11:39pmMootown
Thats usually how it works, though I now I am regretting using the term madness. Maybe personal quirks and idiosynchracies is better?
Not so ominous
11:39pmCatherine
and be there to kick each other's butts when we need it
yeah, i'm not mad
i'm not crazy
11:39pmMootown
This I know
11:39pmCatherine
but i have some issues that i need to resolve
like everyone
11:40pmMootown
Lol, why do I feel like you are trying to warn me away from you?
11:40pmCatherine
i am going to bed now
lol
because nothing but heartache comes from me lol
11:40pmMootown
uh, not real sure how to take that, but ok?
11:41pmCatherine
hahaha
11:41pmMootown
Now I AM a little worried lol
11:41pmCatherine
you think i'm crazy now?
i gotta goooo to bed
11:42pmMootown
No, but I am trying to read between the lines of what yousaying and what you are trying to hide from me, and usually I can easily. With you I can't so well?
11:42pmCatherine
not understanding things
Mootown
Bah, never mind me over analyzing things.
11:43pmCatherine
haha ok can we continue another time when i know what i'm talking about?
cause right now i'm just tarying to keep my head off the eypyoard
kay
key
board
11:43pmMootown
Sounds like a plan. Sweetest drams Catherine.
11:44pmCatherine
not trying to push you away
not making sens
e
good night
:)
maybe i am cause you're a guy
not sure this is the time to talk about it! loll
11:45pmMootown
Lol, you had better decide because you bringing some things up here and I am not gonna be happy if you leave me hangin'
11:45pmCatherine
ok
11:45pmMootown
Well, not not happy, but wondering a lot tomorrow lol
11:46pmCatherine
damn now other people sending messages
want to go to bed.
11:46pmMootown
lol
11:46pmCatherine
i like you and our talks and spendingtime together
11:46pmMootown
As do I
but I sense a but?
11:47pmCatherine
i hope that it doesn't get weird with the guy girl thing, but you've ginven me no reason to believe it would, i think carolyn just telling me to be careful put these thoughts in my head
i don't want someone in my life or in liam's life that we really like just go away one day
i guess that's the issue
getting close and fearing it will stop so not want ing to get close
11:49pmMootown
Gimme a sec here to respond K? My phone just rang. Getting rid of the caller
11:49pmCatherine
k
Mootown
Hmm, well I will tell you what I told my best friend Dan earlier tonight. I am at a point with you where I am not sure what to think. I really enjoy spending time with you, and I won't lie, I am attracted to you. I have just been playing it cool because I didnt knwo what you wanted, or what you were thinking. Its still early enough in our friendship/relationship or whatever, to dictate what happens. If you just want to be friends, then thats great! If you want something more, I
am open to that too. I can tell you that I am not a hit and run kind of guy...usually when people worm their way into my life/heart, they stay there. So, if you are afraid that I will up and leave, you needn't worry about that.
Whew, my fingers are panting
11:54pmCatherine
haha
ok i'm glad you told me that
Mootown
But I understand that just saying these things is not exactly proof. I realize we have been spending a lot of time together, and I don't want to be a flash in the pan for you either lol
11:54pmCatherine
hold on...
11:54pmMootown
k
11:56pmCatherine
you are someone that i don't want to just "try it and see" because i feel like our friendship is meaningful to me. I also feel like i want that support and give support without the confusion of a romantic relationship because that's where my issues lie. i don't know how i'll feel down the road, but that's where i stand now
11:59pmMootown
Thats fair. Honestly, I didn't want to bring anything up until after things had settled down a bit for you. I mean, its obvious that there is something there, but I didn't want you to think I was taking advantage of the situation. In truth, your friendship is also very valuable to me, but since you have been gone, I have been thinking, perhaps too much. Anyways, its good to know where you stand.
11:59pmMootown
:)
12:00amCatherine
don't think too much lol
12:00amMootown
LOL
preaching to the choir
12:01amCatherine
haha
12:02amMootown
Well, I am not gonna keep pressing this. Like I told you, I am a bit of a fatalist so I am a wait and see person. You certainly don't need any more pressure put on you.
12:03amCatherine
lol
i like the wait and see attitude
but i want to be sure that you would still be around if we ended up only friends
12:04amCatherine
or rather, i'd want to know if you would or wouldn't want to be
12:06amCatherine
i don
t even need to know tonight
lol
just something in my head
12:06amMootown
lol. Catherine, I can't tell the future. Wish I could. I can tell you this though: I believe that if we just remain friends I will still be around, and if we try something and it turns out it does not work out, I would still be your friend. Granted it would be difficult at first, but I have done it before, and from what I know about you and the way we interact and see the world, I would still be your friend
sorry, I type slow when I am thinking
12:07amCatherine
haha ok
ok i am glad and i am going to bed!
lol
12:07amMootown
sigh lol
ok
sleep tight Catherine
12:08amCatherine
you too arron
aaron
don't stay up late thinkgin!
or spelling
12:08amMootown
Rofl
no promises
12:08amCatherine
haha
12:08amMootown
gonna go see the stars now...like I wont be thinking under the night sky
12:08amCatherine
powering down...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
12:09amMootown
sweet dreams;)
12:09amCatherine
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
ok goodnight
12:10amMootown
Lol go to bed! G'night Catherine!
12:10amCatherine
goodnight
12:12amCatherine is offline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I e-mailed her this the next day.
So I tried not to overthink anything, and to finish my thoughts from yesterday's conversation, I have this to say. Why don't we hold off on any more discussions like this. We start school and work in a week and a half, and you have Liam back. We don't really know each other outside the blissful do nothing-ness of summer, and Liam certainly doesn't know me yet. In other words, real life is about to set in. Lets just play it cool for a while and keep exploring each other without pretense or labels. This mutually supportive, witty and substantive quid pro quo thing we have going on seems to be working, so why mess with it? Lets just be adults who enjoy each other's company while letting God/fate or what have you attend to everything else.
To which she responded favorably saying "That sounds really good Aaron!"
Anyways, that night Brian came down about 1:30am and we went for a drive to see if we could still see some of the Persied meteor shower. I needed to talk this out with someone...get an objective perspective. Well, five minutes into the drive I got pulled over and was given a field sobriety test, which of course I passed and only received a warning. As if I wasn't jumpy enough already! Brian's advice boiled down to this: be careful man because she has a hole she is trying to fill. I know you think she is strong, but I can see her falling apart pretty easily and you will be the one who is left to reassemble the pieces." I took this with a grain of salt because Brian has been married and divorced already, and because he has only met Catherine twice. Indeed, I think she is stronger than he can see. Like everyone, she just needs a rock to lean on every now and again.
On friday, I ran over to Catherine's place (did I mention she left me her keys so I could water her plants and get her mail already?)to leave a surprise for her and Liam. I thought they were coming home that night, so I made a small meal for them so Catherine would not have to cook after a long day of flying and then driving home from Akron. I also made a balloon animal and put it in Liam's room. Of course I found out late that night that she was not coming home until monday! Funny, she never told me when she was coming home! I told her she had ruined my surprise, but she said she LOVES surprises and now she is expecting one, so I need to do something else. Sigh...the best laid plans eh?
Anyways, we talked a bit tonight on the phone (it was so good to hear her voice!) because I called her when she told me she was coming home alone monday so she could work her 20 hrs on tuesday and wednesday, and then drive back to her mom's in Akron wednesday night to get Liam, and come back Thursday. This upset the new surprise I had been planning!! Got to put my thinking cap on now...There was one highpoint of the conversation though. She had a terrible headache, and I told her I was going to let her sleep, but she told me that now that she heard my voice, she wanted me to stay and talk to her for a while. Her words "Now that I hear your voice, I want to hear more." TO which I replied "I don't want to keep you awake!" Her response: "talk monkey talk!" I love her sense of humor! We talked a bit more about nothing in particular and then hung up. Man, I really miss her...
So, thats about it. Tomorrow I am heading to Delta to hang with my mom's side of the family and swim with my cousins. Kaleb is 5, the same age as Liam, so I can brush up on my ability to hang with kids before I meet Liam later this week.
Oh, and my new surprise is to make a bunch of balloon animals for Liam when he comes home. Now I need to think of something to do for Catherine...
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Something I Can Help You With?
So, I have been a pissy mood all damn day. I think its a combination of the Catherine situation and the new diet I am on. Ok, its not a diet per se, but I stopped drinking caffiene and I am almost done smoking. Check that, its mostly the Catherine situation. I should clarify: its not her, not in the least. Its more just the living in the grey area (candle and star lol). Usually thats where I live, what I relish. Nothing is black and white like some people think, but when it comes to relationships I really need to know what is going on. I need those little reassurances. I am really bothered when I do not know where I stand with people. This applies to Catherine. What I mean is that not knowing is easily worse than knowing. If I knew what she was thinking I could re-orient my mind to that. Its still early enough in our relationship that if she wants nothing more than friendship, its still very possible. Its so odd that we communicate incredibly well, yet in this particular instance we suck. Perhaps its the fact that both of us fear rejection? Perhaps her situation with Liam and being away from Bowling Green will not allow her to do anything right now. After all he has to come first. Anyways, I guess I'll just keep treading the grey waters and try to keep my head afloat.
One random thought: know what I love about being human? I really like the fact that we are able to play out situations in our heads. You know what I mean...like future conversations. Its even fun to wonder what others are talking about. Putting words in their mouth (both good and bad) is so important! It prepares us for possible futures. For example, I know that Catherine is staying with a friend named Carolyn in Texas. I have found myself imagining what they are saying about me, both good and bad. This way, I can better understand things Catherine says to me. Its almost like trying to be empathic. I am hoping that Catherine is gushing about me, or at least telling Carolyn how nice I am etc., but of course it could be the case that she is instead telling Carolyn that she used me as a rock during an emotional time, nothing more. I have a hard time believing that, but people never surprise me anymore when they use/mistreat/screw/psycho-fuck others. Man I have become cynical eh?
Anyways, maybe more later if something happens tonight. Brian said he might come out to watch the meteor shower with me, though I doubt he will come. Either way he makes a poor substitute for Catherine. I have decided not to call/text Catherine tonight and see if she contacts me instead. Just a little test to see if I am on her mind.
One random thought: know what I love about being human? I really like the fact that we are able to play out situations in our heads. You know what I mean...like future conversations. Its even fun to wonder what others are talking about. Putting words in their mouth (both good and bad) is so important! It prepares us for possible futures. For example, I know that Catherine is staying with a friend named Carolyn in Texas. I have found myself imagining what they are saying about me, both good and bad. This way, I can better understand things Catherine says to me. Its almost like trying to be empathic. I am hoping that Catherine is gushing about me, or at least telling Carolyn how nice I am etc., but of course it could be the case that she is instead telling Carolyn that she used me as a rock during an emotional time, nothing more. I have a hard time believing that, but people never surprise me anymore when they use/mistreat/screw/psycho-fuck others. Man I have become cynical eh?
Anyways, maybe more later if something happens tonight. Brian said he might come out to watch the meteor shower with me, though I doubt he will come. Either way he makes a poor substitute for Catherine. I have decided not to call/text Catherine tonight and see if she contacts me instead. Just a little test to see if I am on her mind.
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