Obituary

"Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. Ultimately Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny."

Well, tonight was a dismal failure on just about every level imaginable. For one thing, Catherine and I had dinner and went shopping, and she told me she didnt want to swim anymore. My spirits soared knowing that Aaron would not be coming. Until, she mentioned that Aaron was debating about coming down to swim, and she was reconsidering swimming. And then he finally decided to come. Fuck...that...shit. After two hours in the pool experiencing the oddest deja vu sensation, I realized it was because it was the exact same thing that happened last time we swam: I diddled around while he was all over her. I finally had enough of almost throwing up in my own mouth, so I let them swim and left to have a smoke. Yes I know I quit, but it was warranted. I am left wondering if I misread all the little signs she sent, or if she is just a natural flirt and I saw what I wanted to see. Maybe ita time to cut my losses and head for firmer ground, as in start thinking of her as only a friend.

So, to sum up: I was excited to see Catherine, but she pulled a really dumb move by inviting Aaron as well. I even wonder if she knew what it was doing to me. I am very unhappy right now.

Sent this before bed: In the interest of our conversation about open communication earlier today, I write this letter.

In the future, I would ask that you do not invite me over to swim while Aaron is there. I spent tonight in a perpetual deja vu loop from 6 weeks or so ago...you remember the night right? The one where I was an enormous third wheel as you and Aaron hung all over each other and flirted and kissed? Well, tonight was pretty much the same for me minus the kissing. It sucks to just sit and watch that, regardless of where we stand, (not that I could begin to describe it anyways). I am fine with the friends for sure, but lets wait and see attitude you mentioned, but even still, I was rendered more/less speechless tonight. Perhaps I misunderstood something?

Please don't mistake this as me being angry or cutting you off or anything like that. Maybe this is just the "weirdness of the girl/guy thing" you were talking about the other day, but I hope you are willing to talk about it. I guess I just don't know where I stand, and that bothers me. This is just me telling you where I stand, so you know.

Anyways, I'm heading to bed. G'night.