Something I Can Help You With?

So, I have been a pissy mood all damn day. I think its a combination of the Catherine situation and the new diet I am on. Ok, its not a diet per se, but I stopped drinking caffiene and I am almost done smoking. Check that, its mostly the Catherine situation. I should clarify: its not her, not in the least. Its more just the living in the grey area (candle and star lol). Usually thats where I live, what I relish. Nothing is black and white like some people think, but when it comes to relationships I really need to know what is going on. I need those little reassurances. I am really bothered when I do not know where I stand with people. This applies to Catherine. What I mean is that not knowing is easily worse than knowing. If I knew what she was thinking I could re-orient my mind to that. Its still early enough in our relationship that if she wants nothing more than friendship, its still very possible. Its so odd that we communicate incredibly well, yet in this particular instance we suck. Perhaps its the fact that both of us fear rejection? Perhaps her situation with Liam and being away from Bowling Green will not allow her to do anything right now. After all he has to come first. Anyways, I guess I'll just keep treading the grey waters and try to keep my head afloat.

One random thought: know what I love about being human? I really like the fact that we are able to play out situations in our heads. You know what I mean...like future conversations. Its even fun to wonder what others are talking about. Putting words in their mouth (both good and bad) is so important! It prepares us for possible futures. For example, I know that Catherine is staying with a friend named Carolyn in Texas. I have found myself imagining what they are saying about me, both good and bad. This way, I can better understand things Catherine says to me. Its almost like trying to be empathic. I am hoping that Catherine is gushing about me, or at least telling Carolyn how nice I am etc., but of course it could be the case that she is instead telling Carolyn that she used me as a rock during an emotional time, nothing more. I have a hard time believing that, but people never surprise me anymore when they use/mistreat/screw/psycho-fuck others. Man I have become cynical eh?

Anyways, maybe more later if something happens tonight. Brian said he might come out to watch the meteor shower with me, though I doubt he will come. Either way he makes a poor substitute for Catherine. I have decided not to call/text Catherine tonight and see if she contacts me instead. Just a little test to see if I am on her mind.