The inability to find balance
We all, by the very nature of our existence as humans, are searching for balance between external and internal stimuli. Our existence is like a patch of ground waiting for rain. Not enough rain and we are left barren and nary a seed will grow. Such a place only cultivates hard dirt, cracked and baked by the sun, an emotionless, colorless husk. A downpour is equally dangerous because in such circumstances, the best of us can simply be washed away, lost in the rapids, leaving us destitute without roots or an anchor. The external environment, family, friends, significant others, entertainment etc. is full of distractions we like and think we need. In some cases, such as family, this may be correct to a certain extent. But more often than not, we overindulge and forget that at our core we are thinking beings. Too much rain and we fixate on the outside, on the things we think will make us happy or will at least distract us from some other worry or torment on the inside. But not enough rain and we become lost in our own minds, questing for answers and forgetting that we are simultaneously crying out for validation, love, affection and justification. Its a dangerous path people walk trying to balance these two diametrically opposed ideas. So how does one bring them into balance?
For the two to be in harmony, one must first recognize where the dearths are, where the too much and too little occur, and then seek to remedy those situations. For those hellbent on a life filled with continuous motion, that is to say work, personal interactions, social gatherings, and general type A personalities or so they are called, the old adage "stop and smell the roses" seems pertinent. These people are so constantly in flight from one thing to the next that they miss the glory of the little things, the details. Their minds are so busy focusing on the next appointment, next date, or next item on the checklist that they miss half of their world. And then when for one reason or another things come to a momentary halt, they wonder why they are so lonely. Their solution? Find something else to occupy their time until the next shindig or whatever. But the roses adage is not enough. SUppose the hedge-fund manager does take a pause to try and appreciate the details...how does he/she know how? Do they go to a park? Thats where the other type As go to relax. Do they have a drink and watch a movie? Do they read a book? All are viable options, but I ask you: what will these people get out of the experience? Their minds have been trained, nay honed, to seek out the fastest and most immediate solutions and follow through so they can attack the next problem or issue. Lets leave this person alone for a minute and move over to the introverts, the people who live in their minds, the ones who move slowly and refuse to make lists. These people have no problem seeing the finer details and in fact, they crave them. Examining the minutae, contemplating existence, making connections between dispirate ideas, that is the forte of these people. However, they cannot see the proverbial forest. They miss out on all the benefits of human interaction, the day to day exquisiteness of crossing things off of lists. Take the philosopher who sits alone contemplating life. He is so concerned with the big questions that the little things fall by the wayside: friendships, family, a drink and a smoke. In essence, while endeavoring to discover the keys to human existence, these people miss out on the very reminders of what makes us human.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Forsaken Time
And so, it appears this chapter of the Catherine book has closed. I don't care to paste this morning's e-mails, but long story short, she is weirded out by the "girl/guy" thing and, oh, she still has feelings for Aaron. Apparently, she has issues dealing with situations like this, and has informed me that we should not talk so much anymore. I cannot say that I am not dissappointed, but the blow was definitely softened by what I witnessed last night.
For now, its time to move on, ever onward.
For now, its time to move on, ever onward.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Obituary
"Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. Ultimately Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny."
Well, tonight was a dismal failure on just about every level imaginable. For one thing, Catherine and I had dinner and went shopping, and she told me she didnt want to swim anymore. My spirits soared knowing that Aaron would not be coming. Until, she mentioned that Aaron was debating about coming down to swim, and she was reconsidering swimming. And then he finally decided to come. Fuck...that...shit. After two hours in the pool experiencing the oddest deja vu sensation, I realized it was because it was the exact same thing that happened last time we swam: I diddled around while he was all over her. I finally had enough of almost throwing up in my own mouth, so I let them swim and left to have a smoke. Yes I know I quit, but it was warranted. I am left wondering if I misread all the little signs she sent, or if she is just a natural flirt and I saw what I wanted to see. Maybe ita time to cut my losses and head for firmer ground, as in start thinking of her as only a friend.
So, to sum up: I was excited to see Catherine, but she pulled a really dumb move by inviting Aaron as well. I even wonder if she knew what it was doing to me. I am very unhappy right now.
Sent this before bed: In the interest of our conversation about open communication earlier today, I write this letter.
In the future, I would ask that you do not invite me over to swim while Aaron is there. I spent tonight in a perpetual deja vu loop from 6 weeks or so ago...you remember the night right? The one where I was an enormous third wheel as you and Aaron hung all over each other and flirted and kissed? Well, tonight was pretty much the same for me minus the kissing. It sucks to just sit and watch that, regardless of where we stand, (not that I could begin to describe it anyways). I am fine with the friends for sure, but lets wait and see attitude you mentioned, but even still, I was rendered more/less speechless tonight. Perhaps I misunderstood something?
Please don't mistake this as me being angry or cutting you off or anything like that. Maybe this is just the "weirdness of the girl/guy thing" you were talking about the other day, but I hope you are willing to talk about it. I guess I just don't know where I stand, and that bothers me. This is just me telling you where I stand, so you know.
Anyways, I'm heading to bed. G'night.
Well, tonight was a dismal failure on just about every level imaginable. For one thing, Catherine and I had dinner and went shopping, and she told me she didnt want to swim anymore. My spirits soared knowing that Aaron would not be coming. Until, she mentioned that Aaron was debating about coming down to swim, and she was reconsidering swimming. And then he finally decided to come. Fuck...that...shit. After two hours in the pool experiencing the oddest deja vu sensation, I realized it was because it was the exact same thing that happened last time we swam: I diddled around while he was all over her. I finally had enough of almost throwing up in my own mouth, so I let them swim and left to have a smoke. Yes I know I quit, but it was warranted. I am left wondering if I misread all the little signs she sent, or if she is just a natural flirt and I saw what I wanted to see. Maybe ita time to cut my losses and head for firmer ground, as in start thinking of her as only a friend.
So, to sum up: I was excited to see Catherine, but she pulled a really dumb move by inviting Aaron as well. I even wonder if she knew what it was doing to me. I am very unhappy right now.
Sent this before bed: In the interest of our conversation about open communication earlier today, I write this letter.
In the future, I would ask that you do not invite me over to swim while Aaron is there. I spent tonight in a perpetual deja vu loop from 6 weeks or so ago...you remember the night right? The one where I was an enormous third wheel as you and Aaron hung all over each other and flirted and kissed? Well, tonight was pretty much the same for me minus the kissing. It sucks to just sit and watch that, regardless of where we stand, (not that I could begin to describe it anyways). I am fine with the friends for sure, but lets wait and see attitude you mentioned, but even still, I was rendered more/less speechless tonight. Perhaps I misunderstood something?
Please don't mistake this as me being angry or cutting you off or anything like that. Maybe this is just the "weirdness of the girl/guy thing" you were talking about the other day, but I hope you are willing to talk about it. I guess I just don't know where I stand, and that bothers me. This is just me telling you where I stand, so you know.
Anyways, I'm heading to bed. G'night.
Hornswaggled
So she's home now, and I get two texts:
1) "I'm going swimming tonight...care to join?"
2) "BTW you are awesome. Just thought I'd say it again :)"
So I am thinking alright, mission accomplished. She's happy, so I am happy. And now I have a midnight swim date. Good deal. But you know those moments when the back of your head nudges you and says "Hey man. You KNOW it can't be that easy. You didn't think this was a fairy tale did you? Oh you did? HAHAHAHA oh son, you'd best check your bases." So I did. 2 Facebook messages.
1) "You are unbelievably wonderfully stupendously tangibly great!" (This was in reference to my emial telling her that I went over and closed all her windows because it was storming pretty heavily here).
2) "Hey guys! I'Il have one more night free to do whatever I want... and I figure I'll go swimming! Let me know if you want to join. :) Text me, I'll be at work. Hope your days are going great and talk to you soon.
Catherine"
Standard English conventions dictate that use of the term "guys" necessitates more than one person to be present, strictly speaking, more than one male. Low and behold, the other person in the invite is Aaron...the guy she was seeing when she and I met...the one who treated her like crap...the one with whom I had a falling out with and only just within the last week started talking to again.
I am left to wonder what she can possibly be thinking. Even if there were no romantic overtones to our friendship/relationship, it would be a bad idea. The last time the three of us were together, things went incredibly, fantastically wrong. I can only come to two conclusions. Either this is a signal to me that she and I are just friends, or she wants to rub "us" in Aaron's face. Seeing as she is not a vindictive person at all, I have to think that option number one is the answer.
Indeed, this could be an interesting evening, and by interesting I mean a clusterfuck of epic proportions. Clusterfuck sounds like a candy bar, full of chocolate and fuck. Nougaty fuck. I'm certain I will have one if not several updates as this situation comes to a crescendo.
1) "I'm going swimming tonight...care to join?"
2) "BTW you are awesome. Just thought I'd say it again :)"
So I am thinking alright, mission accomplished. She's happy, so I am happy. And now I have a midnight swim date. Good deal. But you know those moments when the back of your head nudges you and says "Hey man. You KNOW it can't be that easy. You didn't think this was a fairy tale did you? Oh you did? HAHAHAHA oh son, you'd best check your bases." So I did. 2 Facebook messages.
1) "You are unbelievably wonderfully stupendously tangibly great!" (This was in reference to my emial telling her that I went over and closed all her windows because it was storming pretty heavily here).
2) "Hey guys! I'Il have one more night free to do whatever I want... and I figure I'll go swimming! Let me know if you want to join. :) Text me, I'll be at work. Hope your days are going great and talk to you soon.
Catherine"
Standard English conventions dictate that use of the term "guys" necessitates more than one person to be present, strictly speaking, more than one male. Low and behold, the other person in the invite is Aaron...the guy she was seeing when she and I met...the one who treated her like crap...the one with whom I had a falling out with and only just within the last week started talking to again.
I am left to wonder what she can possibly be thinking. Even if there were no romantic overtones to our friendship/relationship, it would be a bad idea. The last time the three of us were together, things went incredibly, fantastically wrong. I can only come to two conclusions. Either this is a signal to me that she and I are just friends, or she wants to rub "us" in Aaron's face. Seeing as she is not a vindictive person at all, I have to think that option number one is the answer.
Indeed, this could be an interesting evening, and by interesting I mean a clusterfuck of epic proportions. Clusterfuck sounds like a candy bar, full of chocolate and fuck. Nougaty fuck. I'm certain I will have one if not several updates as this situation comes to a crescendo.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Innocent Man
Yeah, I can't get that Billy Joel song out of my head. At least its a good song, and I enjoy crooning it in my car. The lyrics just fit right now.
Anyways, Operation: Surprise Catherine was put into motion last night. Lemon meringue pie, pinapple, popsicles and Junior Mints...we'll see how she responds. Might have been a little over the top, but then again I don't really do anything half-assed anymore. If she had come home today I think she would have said something, so she must be waiting until tomorrow. I was at her apartment until around 3am setting it up. This is because I was chilling with my next door neighbors Becca and Jeff (ages 43 and 57 respectively) just listening to some good music and having some laughs. Jeff was a corman in Vietnam so I got a few stories from him, which was cool. Becca had asked me to give her a ride to physical therapy this morning at 8am, so obviously I didn't get much sleep last night.
So far today has been a lazy day. After taking Becca to PT and then pickering her up again, I have just been laying around. My back is giving me some serious issues for whatever reason, so I have been using my heating pad. Can't believe I am getting old already. Oh...and it turns out that whoever replaced my windows a few months ago did a shitty-ass job of it, and now my living room window leaks. Dumb bastards.
Other than that the weather forcast is for rain and thunderstorms all week. Finally...I have been waiting for a good t-storm all summer!
Anyways, Operation: Surprise Catherine was put into motion last night. Lemon meringue pie, pinapple, popsicles and Junior Mints...we'll see how she responds. Might have been a little over the top, but then again I don't really do anything half-assed anymore. If she had come home today I think she would have said something, so she must be waiting until tomorrow. I was at her apartment until around 3am setting it up. This is because I was chilling with my next door neighbors Becca and Jeff (ages 43 and 57 respectively) just listening to some good music and having some laughs. Jeff was a corman in Vietnam so I got a few stories from him, which was cool. Becca had asked me to give her a ride to physical therapy this morning at 8am, so obviously I didn't get much sleep last night.
So far today has been a lazy day. After taking Becca to PT and then pickering her up again, I have just been laying around. My back is giving me some serious issues for whatever reason, so I have been using my heating pad. Can't believe I am getting old already. Oh...and it turns out that whoever replaced my windows a few months ago did a shitty-ass job of it, and now my living room window leaks. Dumb bastards.
Other than that the weather forcast is for rain and thunderstorms all week. Finally...I have been waiting for a good t-storm all summer!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
The Inbetweener
Hey! So its been a few days since I have caught up with this thing. Heres an update.
The night of my last post (wednesday) Catherine and I DID talk for a while, although it was over Facebook since she is still in Texas and did not want to wake her friends up by talking late on the phone. I am the eternal packrat, so here is the conversation, at least the relevent parts.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11:38pmCatherine
ok, so we'll helpt each other through our own each other's madnesses
11:39pmMootown
Thats usually how it works, though I now I am regretting using the term madness. Maybe personal quirks and idiosynchracies is better?
Not so ominous
11:39pmCatherine
and be there to kick each other's butts when we need it
yeah, i'm not mad
i'm not crazy
11:39pmMootown
This I know
11:39pmCatherine
but i have some issues that i need to resolve
like everyone
11:40pmMootown
Lol, why do I feel like you are trying to warn me away from you?
11:40pmCatherine
i am going to bed now
lol
because nothing but heartache comes from me lol
11:40pmMootown
uh, not real sure how to take that, but ok?
11:41pmCatherine
hahaha
11:41pmMootown
Now I AM a little worried lol
11:41pmCatherine
you think i'm crazy now?
i gotta goooo to bed
11:42pmMootown
No, but I am trying to read between the lines of what yousaying and what you are trying to hide from me, and usually I can easily. With you I can't so well?
11:42pmCatherine
not understanding things
Mootown
Bah, never mind me over analyzing things.
11:43pmCatherine
haha ok can we continue another time when i know what i'm talking about?
cause right now i'm just tarying to keep my head off the eypyoard
kay
key
board
11:43pmMootown
Sounds like a plan. Sweetest drams Catherine.
11:44pmCatherine
not trying to push you away
not making sens
e
good night
:)
maybe i am cause you're a guy
not sure this is the time to talk about it! loll
11:45pmMootown
Lol, you had better decide because you bringing some things up here and I am not gonna be happy if you leave me hangin'
11:45pmCatherine
ok
11:45pmMootown
Well, not not happy, but wondering a lot tomorrow lol
11:46pmCatherine
damn now other people sending messages
want to go to bed.
11:46pmMootown
lol
11:46pmCatherine
i like you and our talks and spendingtime together
11:46pmMootown
As do I
but I sense a but?
11:47pmCatherine
i hope that it doesn't get weird with the guy girl thing, but you've ginven me no reason to believe it would, i think carolyn just telling me to be careful put these thoughts in my head
i don't want someone in my life or in liam's life that we really like just go away one day
i guess that's the issue
getting close and fearing it will stop so not want ing to get close
11:49pmMootown
Gimme a sec here to respond K? My phone just rang. Getting rid of the caller
11:49pmCatherine
k
Mootown
Hmm, well I will tell you what I told my best friend Dan earlier tonight. I am at a point with you where I am not sure what to think. I really enjoy spending time with you, and I won't lie, I am attracted to you. I have just been playing it cool because I didnt knwo what you wanted, or what you were thinking. Its still early enough in our friendship/relationship or whatever, to dictate what happens. If you just want to be friends, then thats great! If you want something more, I
am open to that too. I can tell you that I am not a hit and run kind of guy...usually when people worm their way into my life/heart, they stay there. So, if you are afraid that I will up and leave, you needn't worry about that.
Whew, my fingers are panting
11:54pmCatherine
haha
ok i'm glad you told me that
Mootown
But I understand that just saying these things is not exactly proof. I realize we have been spending a lot of time together, and I don't want to be a flash in the pan for you either lol
11:54pmCatherine
hold on...
11:54pmMootown
k
11:56pmCatherine
you are someone that i don't want to just "try it and see" because i feel like our friendship is meaningful to me. I also feel like i want that support and give support without the confusion of a romantic relationship because that's where my issues lie. i don't know how i'll feel down the road, but that's where i stand now
11:59pmMootown
Thats fair. Honestly, I didn't want to bring anything up until after things had settled down a bit for you. I mean, its obvious that there is something there, but I didn't want you to think I was taking advantage of the situation. In truth, your friendship is also very valuable to me, but since you have been gone, I have been thinking, perhaps too much. Anyways, its good to know where you stand.
11:59pmMootown
:)
12:00amCatherine
don't think too much lol
12:00amMootown
LOL
preaching to the choir
12:01amCatherine
haha
12:02amMootown
Well, I am not gonna keep pressing this. Like I told you, I am a bit of a fatalist so I am a wait and see person. You certainly don't need any more pressure put on you.
12:03amCatherine
lol
i like the wait and see attitude
but i want to be sure that you would still be around if we ended up only friends
12:04amCatherine
or rather, i'd want to know if you would or wouldn't want to be
12:06amCatherine
i don
t even need to know tonight
lol
just something in my head
12:06amMootown
lol. Catherine, I can't tell the future. Wish I could. I can tell you this though: I believe that if we just remain friends I will still be around, and if we try something and it turns out it does not work out, I would still be your friend. Granted it would be difficult at first, but I have done it before, and from what I know about you and the way we interact and see the world, I would still be your friend
sorry, I type slow when I am thinking
12:07amCatherine
haha ok
ok i am glad and i am going to bed!
lol
12:07amMootown
sigh lol
ok
sleep tight Catherine
12:08amCatherine
you too arron
aaron
don't stay up late thinkgin!
or spelling
12:08amMootown
Rofl
no promises
12:08amCatherine
haha
12:08amMootown
gonna go see the stars now...like I wont be thinking under the night sky
12:08amCatherine
powering down...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
12:09amMootown
sweet dreams;)
12:09amCatherine
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
ok goodnight
12:10amMootown
Lol go to bed! G'night Catherine!
12:10amCatherine
goodnight
12:12amCatherine is offline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I e-mailed her this the next day.
So I tried not to overthink anything, and to finish my thoughts from yesterday's conversation, I have this to say. Why don't we hold off on any more discussions like this. We start school and work in a week and a half, and you have Liam back. We don't really know each other outside the blissful do nothing-ness of summer, and Liam certainly doesn't know me yet. In other words, real life is about to set in. Lets just play it cool for a while and keep exploring each other without pretense or labels. This mutually supportive, witty and substantive quid pro quo thing we have going on seems to be working, so why mess with it? Lets just be adults who enjoy each other's company while letting God/fate or what have you attend to everything else.
To which she responded favorably saying "That sounds really good Aaron!"
Anyways, that night Brian came down about 1:30am and we went for a drive to see if we could still see some of the Persied meteor shower. I needed to talk this out with someone...get an objective perspective. Well, five minutes into the drive I got pulled over and was given a field sobriety test, which of course I passed and only received a warning. As if I wasn't jumpy enough already! Brian's advice boiled down to this: be careful man because she has a hole she is trying to fill. I know you think she is strong, but I can see her falling apart pretty easily and you will be the one who is left to reassemble the pieces." I took this with a grain of salt because Brian has been married and divorced already, and because he has only met Catherine twice. Indeed, I think she is stronger than he can see. Like everyone, she just needs a rock to lean on every now and again.
On friday, I ran over to Catherine's place (did I mention she left me her keys so I could water her plants and get her mail already?)to leave a surprise for her and Liam. I thought they were coming home that night, so I made a small meal for them so Catherine would not have to cook after a long day of flying and then driving home from Akron. I also made a balloon animal and put it in Liam's room. Of course I found out late that night that she was not coming home until monday! Funny, she never told me when she was coming home! I told her she had ruined my surprise, but she said she LOVES surprises and now she is expecting one, so I need to do something else. Sigh...the best laid plans eh?
Anyways, we talked a bit tonight on the phone (it was so good to hear her voice!) because I called her when she told me she was coming home alone monday so she could work her 20 hrs on tuesday and wednesday, and then drive back to her mom's in Akron wednesday night to get Liam, and come back Thursday. This upset the new surprise I had been planning!! Got to put my thinking cap on now...There was one highpoint of the conversation though. She had a terrible headache, and I told her I was going to let her sleep, but she told me that now that she heard my voice, she wanted me to stay and talk to her for a while. Her words "Now that I hear your voice, I want to hear more." TO which I replied "I don't want to keep you awake!" Her response: "talk monkey talk!" I love her sense of humor! We talked a bit more about nothing in particular and then hung up. Man, I really miss her...
So, thats about it. Tomorrow I am heading to Delta to hang with my mom's side of the family and swim with my cousins. Kaleb is 5, the same age as Liam, so I can brush up on my ability to hang with kids before I meet Liam later this week.
Oh, and my new surprise is to make a bunch of balloon animals for Liam when he comes home. Now I need to think of something to do for Catherine...
The night of my last post (wednesday) Catherine and I DID talk for a while, although it was over Facebook since she is still in Texas and did not want to wake her friends up by talking late on the phone. I am the eternal packrat, so here is the conversation, at least the relevent parts.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11:38pmCatherine
ok, so we'll helpt each other through our own each other's madnesses
11:39pmMootown
Thats usually how it works, though I now I am regretting using the term madness. Maybe personal quirks and idiosynchracies is better?
Not so ominous
11:39pmCatherine
and be there to kick each other's butts when we need it
yeah, i'm not mad
i'm not crazy
11:39pmMootown
This I know
11:39pmCatherine
but i have some issues that i need to resolve
like everyone
11:40pmMootown
Lol, why do I feel like you are trying to warn me away from you?
11:40pmCatherine
i am going to bed now
lol
because nothing but heartache comes from me lol
11:40pmMootown
uh, not real sure how to take that, but ok?
11:41pmCatherine
hahaha
11:41pmMootown
Now I AM a little worried lol
11:41pmCatherine
you think i'm crazy now?
i gotta goooo to bed
11:42pmMootown
No, but I am trying to read between the lines of what yousaying and what you are trying to hide from me, and usually I can easily. With you I can't so well?
11:42pmCatherine
not understanding things
Mootown
Bah, never mind me over analyzing things.
11:43pmCatherine
haha ok can we continue another time when i know what i'm talking about?
cause right now i'm just tarying to keep my head off the eypyoard
kay
key
board
11:43pmMootown
Sounds like a plan. Sweetest drams Catherine.
11:44pmCatherine
not trying to push you away
not making sens
e
good night
:)
maybe i am cause you're a guy
not sure this is the time to talk about it! loll
11:45pmMootown
Lol, you had better decide because you bringing some things up here and I am not gonna be happy if you leave me hangin'
11:45pmCatherine
ok
11:45pmMootown
Well, not not happy, but wondering a lot tomorrow lol
11:46pmCatherine
damn now other people sending messages
want to go to bed.
11:46pmMootown
lol
11:46pmCatherine
i like you and our talks and spendingtime together
11:46pmMootown
As do I
but I sense a but?
11:47pmCatherine
i hope that it doesn't get weird with the guy girl thing, but you've ginven me no reason to believe it would, i think carolyn just telling me to be careful put these thoughts in my head
i don't want someone in my life or in liam's life that we really like just go away one day
i guess that's the issue
getting close and fearing it will stop so not want ing to get close
11:49pmMootown
Gimme a sec here to respond K? My phone just rang. Getting rid of the caller
11:49pmCatherine
k
Mootown
Hmm, well I will tell you what I told my best friend Dan earlier tonight. I am at a point with you where I am not sure what to think. I really enjoy spending time with you, and I won't lie, I am attracted to you. I have just been playing it cool because I didnt knwo what you wanted, or what you were thinking. Its still early enough in our friendship/relationship or whatever, to dictate what happens. If you just want to be friends, then thats great! If you want something more, I
am open to that too. I can tell you that I am not a hit and run kind of guy...usually when people worm their way into my life/heart, they stay there. So, if you are afraid that I will up and leave, you needn't worry about that.
Whew, my fingers are panting
11:54pmCatherine
haha
ok i'm glad you told me that
Mootown
But I understand that just saying these things is not exactly proof. I realize we have been spending a lot of time together, and I don't want to be a flash in the pan for you either lol
11:54pmCatherine
hold on...
11:54pmMootown
k
11:56pmCatherine
you are someone that i don't want to just "try it and see" because i feel like our friendship is meaningful to me. I also feel like i want that support and give support without the confusion of a romantic relationship because that's where my issues lie. i don't know how i'll feel down the road, but that's where i stand now
11:59pmMootown
Thats fair. Honestly, I didn't want to bring anything up until after things had settled down a bit for you. I mean, its obvious that there is something there, but I didn't want you to think I was taking advantage of the situation. In truth, your friendship is also very valuable to me, but since you have been gone, I have been thinking, perhaps too much. Anyways, its good to know where you stand.
11:59pmMootown
:)
12:00amCatherine
don't think too much lol
12:00amMootown
LOL
preaching to the choir
12:01amCatherine
haha
12:02amMootown
Well, I am not gonna keep pressing this. Like I told you, I am a bit of a fatalist so I am a wait and see person. You certainly don't need any more pressure put on you.
12:03amCatherine
lol
i like the wait and see attitude
but i want to be sure that you would still be around if we ended up only friends
12:04amCatherine
or rather, i'd want to know if you would or wouldn't want to be
12:06amCatherine
i don
t even need to know tonight
lol
just something in my head
12:06amMootown
lol. Catherine, I can't tell the future. Wish I could. I can tell you this though: I believe that if we just remain friends I will still be around, and if we try something and it turns out it does not work out, I would still be your friend. Granted it would be difficult at first, but I have done it before, and from what I know about you and the way we interact and see the world, I would still be your friend
sorry, I type slow when I am thinking
12:07amCatherine
haha ok
ok i am glad and i am going to bed!
lol
12:07amMootown
sigh lol
ok
sleep tight Catherine
12:08amCatherine
you too arron
aaron
don't stay up late thinkgin!
or spelling
12:08amMootown
Rofl
no promises
12:08amCatherine
haha
12:08amMootown
gonna go see the stars now...like I wont be thinking under the night sky
12:08amCatherine
powering down...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
12:09amMootown
sweet dreams;)
12:09amCatherine
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
ok goodnight
12:10amMootown
Lol go to bed! G'night Catherine!
12:10amCatherine
goodnight
12:12amCatherine is offline.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I e-mailed her this the next day.
So I tried not to overthink anything, and to finish my thoughts from yesterday's conversation, I have this to say. Why don't we hold off on any more discussions like this. We start school and work in a week and a half, and you have Liam back. We don't really know each other outside the blissful do nothing-ness of summer, and Liam certainly doesn't know me yet. In other words, real life is about to set in. Lets just play it cool for a while and keep exploring each other without pretense or labels. This mutually supportive, witty and substantive quid pro quo thing we have going on seems to be working, so why mess with it? Lets just be adults who enjoy each other's company while letting God/fate or what have you attend to everything else.
To which she responded favorably saying "That sounds really good Aaron!"
Anyways, that night Brian came down about 1:30am and we went for a drive to see if we could still see some of the Persied meteor shower. I needed to talk this out with someone...get an objective perspective. Well, five minutes into the drive I got pulled over and was given a field sobriety test, which of course I passed and only received a warning. As if I wasn't jumpy enough already! Brian's advice boiled down to this: be careful man because she has a hole she is trying to fill. I know you think she is strong, but I can see her falling apart pretty easily and you will be the one who is left to reassemble the pieces." I took this with a grain of salt because Brian has been married and divorced already, and because he has only met Catherine twice. Indeed, I think she is stronger than he can see. Like everyone, she just needs a rock to lean on every now and again.
On friday, I ran over to Catherine's place (did I mention she left me her keys so I could water her plants and get her mail already?)to leave a surprise for her and Liam. I thought they were coming home that night, so I made a small meal for them so Catherine would not have to cook after a long day of flying and then driving home from Akron. I also made a balloon animal and put it in Liam's room. Of course I found out late that night that she was not coming home until monday! Funny, she never told me when she was coming home! I told her she had ruined my surprise, but she said she LOVES surprises and now she is expecting one, so I need to do something else. Sigh...the best laid plans eh?
Anyways, we talked a bit tonight on the phone (it was so good to hear her voice!) because I called her when she told me she was coming home alone monday so she could work her 20 hrs on tuesday and wednesday, and then drive back to her mom's in Akron wednesday night to get Liam, and come back Thursday. This upset the new surprise I had been planning!! Got to put my thinking cap on now...There was one highpoint of the conversation though. She had a terrible headache, and I told her I was going to let her sleep, but she told me that now that she heard my voice, she wanted me to stay and talk to her for a while. Her words "Now that I hear your voice, I want to hear more." TO which I replied "I don't want to keep you awake!" Her response: "talk monkey talk!" I love her sense of humor! We talked a bit more about nothing in particular and then hung up. Man, I really miss her...
So, thats about it. Tomorrow I am heading to Delta to hang with my mom's side of the family and swim with my cousins. Kaleb is 5, the same age as Liam, so I can brush up on my ability to hang with kids before I meet Liam later this week.
Oh, and my new surprise is to make a bunch of balloon animals for Liam when he comes home. Now I need to think of something to do for Catherine...
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Something I Can Help You With?
So, I have been a pissy mood all damn day. I think its a combination of the Catherine situation and the new diet I am on. Ok, its not a diet per se, but I stopped drinking caffiene and I am almost done smoking. Check that, its mostly the Catherine situation. I should clarify: its not her, not in the least. Its more just the living in the grey area (candle and star lol). Usually thats where I live, what I relish. Nothing is black and white like some people think, but when it comes to relationships I really need to know what is going on. I need those little reassurances. I am really bothered when I do not know where I stand with people. This applies to Catherine. What I mean is that not knowing is easily worse than knowing. If I knew what she was thinking I could re-orient my mind to that. Its still early enough in our relationship that if she wants nothing more than friendship, its still very possible. Its so odd that we communicate incredibly well, yet in this particular instance we suck. Perhaps its the fact that both of us fear rejection? Perhaps her situation with Liam and being away from Bowling Green will not allow her to do anything right now. After all he has to come first. Anyways, I guess I'll just keep treading the grey waters and try to keep my head afloat.
One random thought: know what I love about being human? I really like the fact that we are able to play out situations in our heads. You know what I mean...like future conversations. Its even fun to wonder what others are talking about. Putting words in their mouth (both good and bad) is so important! It prepares us for possible futures. For example, I know that Catherine is staying with a friend named Carolyn in Texas. I have found myself imagining what they are saying about me, both good and bad. This way, I can better understand things Catherine says to me. Its almost like trying to be empathic. I am hoping that Catherine is gushing about me, or at least telling Carolyn how nice I am etc., but of course it could be the case that she is instead telling Carolyn that she used me as a rock during an emotional time, nothing more. I have a hard time believing that, but people never surprise me anymore when they use/mistreat/screw/psycho-fuck others. Man I have become cynical eh?
Anyways, maybe more later if something happens tonight. Brian said he might come out to watch the meteor shower with me, though I doubt he will come. Either way he makes a poor substitute for Catherine. I have decided not to call/text Catherine tonight and see if she contacts me instead. Just a little test to see if I am on her mind.
One random thought: know what I love about being human? I really like the fact that we are able to play out situations in our heads. You know what I mean...like future conversations. Its even fun to wonder what others are talking about. Putting words in their mouth (both good and bad) is so important! It prepares us for possible futures. For example, I know that Catherine is staying with a friend named Carolyn in Texas. I have found myself imagining what they are saying about me, both good and bad. This way, I can better understand things Catherine says to me. Its almost like trying to be empathic. I am hoping that Catherine is gushing about me, or at least telling Carolyn how nice I am etc., but of course it could be the case that she is instead telling Carolyn that she used me as a rock during an emotional time, nothing more. I have a hard time believing that, but people never surprise me anymore when they use/mistreat/screw/psycho-fuck others. Man I have become cynical eh?
Anyways, maybe more later if something happens tonight. Brian said he might come out to watch the meteor shower with me, though I doubt he will come. Either way he makes a poor substitute for Catherine. I have decided not to call/text Catherine tonight and see if she contacts me instead. Just a little test to see if I am on her mind.
Ever Onward
For whatever reason I wrote this somewhere else first, then pasted it here.
Tuesday, August 11th - 2:21am
So, what has been happeneing...
Well, I went all of Saturday without hearing from Catherine. I have to say I was kindof a wreck lol. I felt so selfish wondering why I wasn't higher on her list of priorities. I guess thats the nature of the beast though, so I toughed it out.
Sunday I went to the lake with my sister, her husband Paul, their new baby William, and my parents. All in all it was a pretty good day. I enjoyed some good pontoon time, and my god WIlliam is priceless! I got to play with him for a while and he stole my heart! I tried to leave my cell phone alone, to leave Catherine to her business and not bother her, though I checked often to see if she had texted me. At about 5:30 she did, and then she called. We talked for a few minutes, but I was on my out the door! Curses! Anyways, we texted a bt and I wished her luck as I knew monday was the court date. I got home and she told me her flight was cancelled...I was heartbroken...She has endured so much, and now this? Sigh...We talked a little bit more. A friend was driving her Kileen instead, which was awesome, but after that I did not hear from her.
Monday, we talked a good deal, which made me feel better. We texted about the court case until around midnight, and then she called me. We talked some more about the court case, and then just about other things the way people do when on the phone. She mentioned that the guy she was staying with in Texas had made a pass at her which she denied lol. I was seriously unhappy, but bit my tongue. She also mentioned that she had told Jay (the guy) that she was abstaining from dating and that he thought it was a good idea. I was momentarilly crushed. In a very real way Catherine and I had been dating, though such a statement seemed to reveal the fact that she did not consider it so. Damn...
Anyways, we talked for a little while longer, and she said thank you again for the hug I gave her before she left. It was a semi-flirty conversation. I still dont know what to think. Perhaps I am not sending the right signals? I still dont know what she wants from me, but I am fairly sure now that I have quite the crush on her. What to do, what to do?
Wednesday, August 12th - 2:10am
Just a quick text from Catherine tonight before she went to bed. Always good to hear from her.
Tonight is the peak of the Persiad meteor shower. I remember from a drive and star gazing night weeks ago that Catherine likes stars and shooting stars. Note to self: should things work out, take her out in November for the next meteor shower.
Tuesday, August 11th - 2:21am
So, what has been happeneing...
Well, I went all of Saturday without hearing from Catherine. I have to say I was kindof a wreck lol. I felt so selfish wondering why I wasn't higher on her list of priorities. I guess thats the nature of the beast though, so I toughed it out.
Sunday I went to the lake with my sister, her husband Paul, their new baby William, and my parents. All in all it was a pretty good day. I enjoyed some good pontoon time, and my god WIlliam is priceless! I got to play with him for a while and he stole my heart! I tried to leave my cell phone alone, to leave Catherine to her business and not bother her, though I checked often to see if she had texted me. At about 5:30 she did, and then she called. We talked for a few minutes, but I was on my out the door! Curses! Anyways, we texted a bt and I wished her luck as I knew monday was the court date. I got home and she told me her flight was cancelled...I was heartbroken...She has endured so much, and now this? Sigh...We talked a little bit more. A friend was driving her Kileen instead, which was awesome, but after that I did not hear from her.
Monday, we talked a good deal, which made me feel better. We texted about the court case until around midnight, and then she called me. We talked some more about the court case, and then just about other things the way people do when on the phone. She mentioned that the guy she was staying with in Texas had made a pass at her which she denied lol. I was seriously unhappy, but bit my tongue. She also mentioned that she had told Jay (the guy) that she was abstaining from dating and that he thought it was a good idea. I was momentarilly crushed. In a very real way Catherine and I had been dating, though such a statement seemed to reveal the fact that she did not consider it so. Damn...
Anyways, we talked for a little while longer, and she said thank you again for the hug I gave her before she left. It was a semi-flirty conversation. I still dont know what to think. Perhaps I am not sending the right signals? I still dont know what she wants from me, but I am fairly sure now that I have quite the crush on her. What to do, what to do?
Wednesday, August 12th - 2:10am
Just a quick text from Catherine tonight before she went to bed. Always good to hear from her.
Tonight is the peak of the Persiad meteor shower. I remember from a drive and star gazing night weeks ago that Catherine likes stars and shooting stars. Note to self: should things work out, take her out in November for the next meteor shower.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
A New Day...
Lets try this again shall we?
I just had one of the more amazing weekends of my life. I thought it would be best to write it all down here so I don't forget the details. Some backstory is first necessary
though.
About a month ago or so,I was invited to see the movie the Hangover with Aaron Misthal. A few hours before the movie, he called and asked if it would be alright if he brought a friend, Catherine. along. She was feeling a little low because her son Liam was staying in Texas with his father for the last 6 weeks of the summer. He had been gone about two weeks, so she was lonely, and she was afraid because she had an upcoming court date pertaining to which state, Ohio or Texas, would be the jurisdiction for a child custody hearing. I remembered that Aaron had mentioned trying to set us up a a year prior to the movie, and he thought we were pretty compatable. I went to the movie pretty upbeat, and was pleasantly surprised: Catherine was very attractive. Shes about 5 foot 8 inches, red hair, plenty of freckles, and a thin but strong physique. I later found out that she was a dancer. Anyways, I sit next to hear during the movie, and I love her laugh, but unfortunately her ex called mid-movie and she returned 30 mins later a less than happy camper.
After the movie Catherine suggested a drink, so the three of us hit up Beckett's and Reverend's for some good conversation. I found myself intrigued. Catherine has a radient smile and corny as it sounds, it really does light up a room. She was also pretty funny the more she drank, not in a bad way though. Several times she started to say something(either a joke or to tell a story, usually something sexual or involving swearing) only to cover mouth quickly and say "No, I can't say THAT!" I should also say at this point that I knew that Catherine had a son and an ex whom she despised and that she was in some sort of custody battle (which I still don't completely understand, but I am sure now she is in the right.) Anyways, my head said no, my heart said nothing yet, but the pheramones were firing.
So, its 2am and Catherine suggests a swim. Her apartment complex has an indoor pool, so we stop by my apartment, grab 2 suits for me and Aaron, and head to her place. We proceed to swim for about 3 hrs! It was relatively fun at first (mostly because I was drunk) but it soon became apparent that she wanted somethig to happen with Aaron. For his part, Aaron was flirting every bit as hard. Needless to say, given the alcohol, the water, and a beautiful woman in a suimsuit I was unhappy at having to watch what was happening. See, Aaron had told me many times that while she might have wanted to date him, he wanted nothing to do with her. As he informed me on the way home though, his feelings about the situation had changed. I found out the next day that he had spent the night but nothing sexual happened.
A week or so later, Aaron and I are gearing up to go for one of our drives. Surprise, hes bringing her along. Hey, whatever works right? So, we are driving and it turns out that she has pretty good taste in music (very attractive to me) and she is very interested in learning (20 questions, Greek mytholoigy etc.). However, she and Aaron are still flirting up a storm as I drive, so again, I am a bit of a third wheel. Upon returning to my apartment, Aaron ran in to use the bathroom and Catherine asked me what the hell was up with him. Apparently he had sent her an e-mail (no balls man) saying he didnt want to date her, but wanted a casual relationship with her (no clue). She wanted advice about how to deal with this, and how to hook him for good. We chatted, and I warned her, just as I had warned him, to watch out for mixed signals (his sending, her reading). Anyways, they left, and I think it odd how well Catherine and I are getting along, and I marvel at the level of comfort we have with each other. Anyhow, I shake it off and go to bed. He stays with her again.
A few days later Aaron calls again and wants to grab a drink so me, Aaron, Brian and Catherine hit up Reverend's. We have a good time, and Aaron is still flirting up a storm despite the fact that he has reiterated to me and Brian, as well and Catherine, that he does not want a relatioship with her. Brian and I were pretty pissed. We agreed that Catherine was pretty awesome and that he was fucking with her head. Anyways, we decide to go for a drive...great stars, good discussion, and more flirting. I am stuck driving Brian home because Aaron is staying with Catherine again.
Two days later all hell breaks loose. Catherine and I chat on Facebook and on the phone a bit in preparation of a surprise meeting with Aaron at a bar in Toledo. He had ignored her calls for the past two days, amd she was a little miffed and wanted to put him on the spot. I wanted see his face when she walked in with me and Brian in the hopes that he would realize that he was being a jackoff. Oh fuck was he pissed. I quote "Dude, why did you bring her? You shouldn't have done that...you shouldn't have done that." Turns out that Aaron is trying to woo an ex named Jenny who was married (fucking moron). I was pissed, Brian was pissed, and Catherine, well she was uber-pissed. We stayed for a bit, Aaron sat there sullen, noncommunicative, and in general carrying on all cranky like. When we left, Brian, Catherine and I went for another drive and basically, Catherine realized that she was being used, manipulated, and more/less made to relive why she got a divorce. She wrote Aaron a pissed e-mail and rightfully so. She and I talked online as she wrote it that night (well morning). Anyhow, I wake up to a REALLY pissed off voicemail from Aaron, the highlights of which include the statement "Don't ever bring her anywhere without my permission...we are not some foursome of friends. I'd like to keep her separate from my other friends." I...was...livid. Thus began the end of our friendship, at least as it stands now. A flurry of insulting emials ensued in which his arrogance and inability to see his own faults ran rampant, and I responded with some pretty spiteful words of my own. In the end, the things that had always bothered me about Aaron came bubbling to the surface (his immaturaty, his need to control everything, his use of depression as an excuse to be a bastard...and my inability to stop myself from letting him get away with it all just to try and keep a friend). I decided to stop responding and that was about a week ago. Haven't heard a peep from him since.
Catherine and I talked a few times over email and text message after that until Thursday, July 29th, 2009. Just after dinner time Catherine called me and we talked for a while...for like an hour before she went on a ill-advised date, and then for three more hours after that. I got most of the ex-husband/divorce/custody of Liam story during that conversation, and I was happy to listen. For one thing I was connecting with someone who trusted me, and that was exhilerating because the older I get, the harder it is. For another thing, I have a feeling that stories similar to this will crop up more often as I continue to grow into adulthood, so the practice was nice.
Well, I went home that Friday to house-sit for my parents while they were in Seattle, but I realized that I had forgotten to pay my rent the night before, so I had to come back to Bowling Green. Throughout the day Catherine and I talked off and on through text message and over the phone. We started talking about Chinese food. We agreed that when I came back to BG we would go out to the Old COuntry Buffet and grab some dinner, which was great. Catherine loves sushi, which they serve, and I like both sushi and Chinese food, so we were both happy. I'm not real sure if either of us considered this to be a date, but whatever,,,I just knew I liked her company. After dinner we went back to my apartment, which was cleaner, but by no means immaculate. She immediately went to work, and we cleaned for around 3 hours! I was a little sullen at first as no one likes to have someone come in and tell you what to do etc. but I got over it and eventually began to appreciate the help. Whilst we cleaned she was fielding text messages from a guy in Virginia named Luke...a military guy she had met online and once had something with. She kept asking me advice about what to say...he intimated that he wanted her to come out for a visit, and she played along thinking that if he would pay for the plane ticket, she could have a weekend of great sex or something. I kinda played along too, but noted often how bad of an idea it was. Personally I think she was just looking for an excuse to not have to think about Liam and the ever-nearing court date. Anyways, she told him it had to be that weekend and he said he couldn't, so that was the end of that. After we finished cleaning she was pretty tired and I still had to drive back to Sylvania, so I dropped her off at home, and started my drive. Before I left she mentioned how Saturday was laundry day and she had tons to do. Knowing that I had access to a washer and drier (free ones) I told her to come down to my parents' house and do her laundry there. She said that could work well and said she'd call me tomorrow. My phone had died earlier, and when I got home I realized that I had forgotten to tell her that her feet were BLACK from cleaning barefoot, so I quickly plugged my phone in and started to send a text message in case she was still awake. Turns out she had called me already asking me if I would help her new neighbors move in, but I never got the message until it was too late. Oh well. I sent my message, got no response, and settled in for a few hours of reading Harlan Coben's No Second Chance. About 45 mins later she called the house phone (I had given her the number earlier) to say thank you and that she was greatful bcse she hadn't gotten into bed yet. I also mentioned that I was prepared to cook her dinner as a thank you for cleaning my apartment. She said that sounded excellent. So, the evening ended well.
The next day I awaited her arrival with mixed emotions. I was excited to hang with someone I was really starting to like, but I still hadn't decided exactly how to handle the situation. For one thing, she was pretty vulnerable given her custody crap and I knew she was looking for a stabilizing force. I told myself the night before while driving home that I would be that stable influence, someone she could lean on without judgung her or anything. For another thing though, I knew I was attracted to Catherine. We laughed a lot together, had similar interests, and seemed very compatable. Did I mention that she is stunningly beautiful? I decided to let her articulate what she wanted from me by simply playing it cool and allowing her to dictate most of the terms of our friendship/relationship. Anyways, I am not exactly in shape, so I kindof planned a tiny con: to be mowing the lawn when she arrived so that she could see me doing some work lol. God I can be so petty sometimes. Funy thing is, she makes me want to be a better person so I guess it wasn't really manipulative. Anyways, she gets to the house around 3:30 maybe and starts her laundry. I finish the lawn. I come in and we make a few quick sandwiches for lunch. I had little to drink, so we decided to make some iced tea. Well, she likes sweet tea, and I like it sun-dried without sugar, so we made both. I could tell she was a little antsy: she kept saying things like "I'm so jumpy" or "I'm bored lets do something." I wasn't really sure what to think lol. So, I told her I needed a shower and went upstairs to do so.
She said she had brought a book read in case I had other things to do so it was fine. I showered and came back downstairs, and by now it was around 6:30. She had finished 2 of 6 loads or so, but she had done the first load with my detergent since she was running out. Turns out the scent or whatever from some detergents makes her break out, so she would have to rewash that load. Man, that sucks! Anyways, we realize that if she was going to finish all her laundry she would be around for quite a while, so we went to the store to shop for dinner. I had barbeque marinated chicken at home, and she suggested a side of fetuccini alfredo. Good deal. We also picked up some lemonade mix and some green beans. Then she mentioned that she needed to buy some face cream for her trip to Texas for the court date. We found some, and I bought it for her since I know she is as poor as I am and I had some money from my parents. She was appreciative, which pleased me because some people take handouts as if they deserve them. Not Catherine: she was very happy.
So we return and start to make dinner. I defrost the chicken while she peels the garlic. I put the chicken on the grill with the beans while she monitored the pasta and made lemonade. We made quite a nice little team if I do say so myself! We ate dinner outside on the back porch and it was pretty good. I was apprehensive because I am no expert cook and use the grill rarely. The chicken was good but a little overdone, but everything else was great! By this point we had each gotten into my parents' ample and rarely used liquer supply. I was drinking gin and tonics and she was drinking her version of mudslides: khaluha, Grey Goose vodka, milk, and chocolate. She then moved on to just vodka and lemonade. We made small talk for a while, and she mentioned that she was going to take me up on my offer stay the night. Score? She did another load of laundry and we settled in to watch a movie. We decided that Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix would work nicely. Despite several interruptions because one of us had to pee or when she needed to take out clothes and fold them, it was fun. She is like me during movies: a few remarks here and there are fun and fine, but no conversations! It ended and we adjourned to bed in separate beedrooms. I had a dream in which she came into mine during the middle of the night and just slept next to me....very weird.
I figured that she would leave early the next day, but I figured wrong lol. I got up around 10:15 and headed downstairs. She was awake and arranging her clothes and finishing one last load. We had a quick breakfast of Basic 4, and I thought she was gonna head out. Instead she asked to use the computer. I said sure. She started to hunt for e-mail communications she could use in her court case, and asked my opinion on what would prove the points she wanted to make. I was happy to listen, and after an hour we had some pretty good evidence. Then she called Progressive and checked on her car insurance obligations for when she rented a car in Texas. I hopped in the shower, and apparently she did too in the other bathroom. It was time for us to part ways as I wanted to return to BG as well and see if my neighbor Rebecca had further cleaned my apartment as she had said she would. I got back to BG around 3pm and I was so surprised. On top of what Catherine and I had done Friday night, Rebecca had cleaned the kitchen and living room. It was stunning. I sent Catherine an email thanking her for a great weekend, and stated to read When the Wind Blows by James Patterson. I knew Catherine was cleaning amongst other things, and I knew we had spent a lot of time together, so I figured I would let her have some time away from me lol. She texted me two hours later saying that she was so used to my company that several times she started saying something thinking I was around. She then asked me straight up to come help her clean because she didnt want to do it alone.
I said sure.
I went over and after some pleasantries we set to work. First thing first, clean and rearrange Liam's bedroom...no small feat. I think we were a bit cranky for a while...lack of sleep, too much time around each other, her worry about the court case, my worry about what was happening. Plus, she had convinced me to quit smoking...though I bought a pack on the way back to BG. If things took any odd turns with Catherine I knew I would need them. After Liam's room was finished (moved evrything out, vaccumed, moved everything back in new positions) we cleaned up all his toys that he had hidden around the house and those that she had packed into ecofriendly grocery bags by the door. Next, we wanted dinner and it was getting late, so I offered to take the recycling stuff to the recycle center down the street and grab a pizza. She promised to finish cleaning and make a nice salad. I came back, and she had one more job for me before dinner: replace blown out lightbulbs. Sounds easy right? No. Several of her lights were screwed into the ceiling so I had to unscrew the case, change the bulb, and then screw the case back on. Would have been easy except that previous owners had screwed directly into the ceiling and into insulation. I finally got it all done and then my mom called JUST as we were sitting doen to dinner about 9:45. She had figured out that a girl had been over. Her evidence: the facial cream cream wrapper in the bathrom from what Catherine and I had bought earlier that weekend. Haha, she caught me in a lie. I didnt want to tell her about Catherine, partially because my parents are semi-judgemental and partially because I wasn't sure what was going on with us anyways. So I lied and told her no. She knew lol. I called her back after dinner and told her most of the truth. She sounded underwhelmed, but didn't really care. The night was winding down, and so were both Catherine and I. We decided on a movie before bed. Though she wanted to watch Dr. Zhivago (which I had let her borrow) it was late so we settled on Mickey Blue Eyes. I almost fell asleep several times, and she stated as the movie ended "Ok...Aaron, I don't want to be awake anymore." She is so adorable sometimes! So, we said our goodbyes and I returned to my apartment down the street. And so, this is where things stand now although her Facebook status was just changed to "Cathering is believing" whatever that means.
Of course I cannot recount every little thing that happened over the weekend, but one thing I know for certain: it was kind of fun to live and be domestic with Catherine for a while. We were kindof like parents living at home when the kids are away for a weekend. All I know is that I laughed a ton, and enjoyed myself immensely. And this all with a woman I have known for only a little over a month.
Saturday August 8th - 2:35 a.m.
Since Sunday, Catherine and I have talked every day. I find that I really miss her company when shes not physically around. Monday, we just texted back and forth and talked a bit on the phone before going for a pretty long walk. We talked mostly about her upcoming court case and the possible deals she could make with Bill, her ex. I could tell that she was slowly starting to build up to panic mode, and I KNEW she needed someone around to take her mind off things. I was more than happ to be that person. Tuesday we talked a bit during the day, and I was going to drop by her place late to eat some sushi I had purchased. She realized though that she had a school project she needed to finish and turn in before she left, so I suggested that we forgo hanging out that night so she could go to bed early and wake up early and rested and finish everything. That way the sushi would be a reward. This was the first night I noticed that neither of us really wanted to get off the phone with the other. I only hoped it was for similar reasons. As it turns out, she didnt go to bed early at all, but watched Dr. Zhivago instead lol. That is such an Aaron thing to do! I was amused.
Wednesday night I was supposed to hang some pictures up for Liam's bedroom, but we was pretty busy most of the day and we didnt really talk much. I thought maybe she was ignoring me, but in reality she had been on the phone with Liam for a while. I felt bad for pestering her lol. Around 8:30 or so I finally went over and we hung the pictures (2 Superman and 2 Batman portraits...very cool, old, classic comic book covers. We settled in to eat the sushi and she made an interesting pasta: angel hair with spinich and miso. It was pretty good. We then decided to rent a movie, and settled on Dane Cook's Vicious Circle. We laughed uproariously...god I love her laugh. The night ended, and I left.
Thursday was an odd day to be sure. I woke up late (11ish...hey its summer for me) and she called and wanted to know if she could stop by later. I said Id be home so I waited. She came by around 3:30 and she was not in good shape. Her ex had called and mentioned several things. First, he said that he wanted Liam for a shorter period of time next summer (bastard). Second, he told her that he was open to making a deal, which was good news to my ears, though he still wanted to keep the court date. Third, he said he did not want full custody of Liam...he had sued for it and this was why Catherine had set the court date to move jurisdiction to Ohio. We talked for a while about what that meant, but became more and more furious. She was unhinged a bit about how much of an ass he is, and how manipulative he is. In fact, she wanted to break things and let out some aggression. So, I drew a bullseye on a sheet of paper on my door, and told her to throw pencils and markers at it. Then ran into my bedroom, grabbed my pillow, and SCREAMED into it. From there, she said she wanted company for dinner and while she packed for the plane ride to Texas on Friday. Of course I agreed. As we were leaving my neighbor Rebecca was outside.
I had given her a ride to a meeting on Wednesday, and talked a bit to her about Catherine so she knew relatively what was going on. As Catherine pulled out she said out loud "Is that her? Oh!" and she covered her mouth. She came to my car window and said "Oh Aaron shes beautiful." I responded "Oh yes, don't I know it!" Haha. Anyways, I put that compliment in my back pocket until later when Catherine was having another down moment.
Back at Catherine's apartment, she called Liam while I went out for some food. I came back and we made dinner while she put clothes away. We ate tensely as she was really worried. I helped her pack then (by helped I mean I sat on her bed and talked to her so she wouldn't freak out) until she was almost done. Then she wanted to watch Vicious Circle again lol. We did, and afterwards I prepared to leave. Instead, she sat on the chair across from me and said "Aaron, I am freaking out. I am freaking out!" We talked for a bit more, and I tried to calm her down so she could get to bed. Her flight was leaving from Akron at 12:45 pm friday afternoon, and Akron is two and a half hours away. She was going to be up at 6am...it was already almost 1am. I suggested she get some sleep, but she said she didnt think she could, and mentioned wanting someone to play with her hair. I thought about volunteering, but I didn't. I figured it would be bad to add to the situation. Well, she mentioned it again a few minutes later, and this time could not resist being close to her. She came over and laid a pillow on my lap and laid down. I stoked her beautiful, soft hair for about an hour as she dozed on and off. I was in heaven in some ways. I have really missed being close to someone. I only hoped it helped her feel safe and wanted. I mentoned that it was 2am and she HAD to sleep, so I got up to leave. Before leaving I gave her my Hebrew hand of God (a prayer for travelers) from my keychain, and gave her a big, strong hug. I whispered in her ear "Be safe and remember you are right in all of this..." and said goodbye. God but I wanted to kiss her forehead. I got home, but couldn't sleep. I wrote her an email instead, hoping she would get it during the day friday and it would make her smile. I wrote:
Catherine
I have been trying to fall asleep but it just was not happening. Something felt incomplete. At first I couldn't put my finger on it, but now I realize that in my sleepy stupor I didn't say some things I wanted to say. After the range of emotions you went through today, and vicariously me too, my mind keeps wandering to one simple truth: I am really going to miss you. I just felt the need to let you know that.
I am truly hoping things turn out welll for you because I know you absolutely deserve it. I can tell without ever having seen you and Liam together that you are a great mother,
and I already know that you are an amazing person in so many ways! Please do not forget these two truths no matter what happens! You and Liam will both be in my thoughts this week.
Again, I am here if you need anything.
Be safe and keep in touch if you can...
Aaron-
I wanted to craft it perfectly...to have a balance of empathy, steadfastness, and strength, topped off with a reminder that I would be thinking about her and miss her.
I received a text about noon friday saying "That hug was great. It has given me strength today ;)" I was very pleased! I did not hear from her the rest of the day, so I sent a text asking if she had arrived safe and sound, which she had. Then, though it took all my willpower to not keep texting her, I told her that I knew she was staying with a friend and she was exhausted, and that I would say good night...and I wished her sweet dreams, to which she replied "OK, goodnight!"
And that is where things stand now, as of 3:15am Saturday August 8th. I wish she had responded to my email, but she has other things on her mind I am sure. All I know is that after a brief period of time, I am falling pretty hard for someone I probably shouldn't. It has not escaped me that this seems to be a recurring scenario...the ones I cannot or should not have. But long story short, I cannot get her out of my mind, and it is taking all my strength to leave her be and do what she needs to do in Texas. I can only hope I am on her mind too, at least as much as I can in this trying time for her. Got that god damn Melvin Udall quotation from As Good as it Gets in my head: "You make me want to be a better man..." She already has in many ways. Does she feel the same? Am I a blip on her radar? Did she just use me as a rock of support in during an impossible situaiton? Could I be her Heathcliff (sans his maleviolence)? I suppose I'll find out soon enough...
I just had one of the more amazing weekends of my life. I thought it would be best to write it all down here so I don't forget the details. Some backstory is first necessary
though.
About a month ago or so,I was invited to see the movie the Hangover with Aaron Misthal. A few hours before the movie, he called and asked if it would be alright if he brought a friend, Catherine. along. She was feeling a little low because her son Liam was staying in Texas with his father for the last 6 weeks of the summer. He had been gone about two weeks, so she was lonely, and she was afraid because she had an upcoming court date pertaining to which state, Ohio or Texas, would be the jurisdiction for a child custody hearing. I remembered that Aaron had mentioned trying to set us up a a year prior to the movie, and he thought we were pretty compatable. I went to the movie pretty upbeat, and was pleasantly surprised: Catherine was very attractive. Shes about 5 foot 8 inches, red hair, plenty of freckles, and a thin but strong physique. I later found out that she was a dancer. Anyways, I sit next to hear during the movie, and I love her laugh, but unfortunately her ex called mid-movie and she returned 30 mins later a less than happy camper.
After the movie Catherine suggested a drink, so the three of us hit up Beckett's and Reverend's for some good conversation. I found myself intrigued. Catherine has a radient smile and corny as it sounds, it really does light up a room. She was also pretty funny the more she drank, not in a bad way though. Several times she started to say something(either a joke or to tell a story, usually something sexual or involving swearing) only to cover mouth quickly and say "No, I can't say THAT!" I should also say at this point that I knew that Catherine had a son and an ex whom she despised and that she was in some sort of custody battle (which I still don't completely understand, but I am sure now she is in the right.) Anyways, my head said no, my heart said nothing yet, but the pheramones were firing.
So, its 2am and Catherine suggests a swim. Her apartment complex has an indoor pool, so we stop by my apartment, grab 2 suits for me and Aaron, and head to her place. We proceed to swim for about 3 hrs! It was relatively fun at first (mostly because I was drunk) but it soon became apparent that she wanted somethig to happen with Aaron. For his part, Aaron was flirting every bit as hard. Needless to say, given the alcohol, the water, and a beautiful woman in a suimsuit I was unhappy at having to watch what was happening. See, Aaron had told me many times that while she might have wanted to date him, he wanted nothing to do with her. As he informed me on the way home though, his feelings about the situation had changed. I found out the next day that he had spent the night but nothing sexual happened.
A week or so later, Aaron and I are gearing up to go for one of our drives. Surprise, hes bringing her along. Hey, whatever works right? So, we are driving and it turns out that she has pretty good taste in music (very attractive to me) and she is very interested in learning (20 questions, Greek mytholoigy etc.). However, she and Aaron are still flirting up a storm as I drive, so again, I am a bit of a third wheel. Upon returning to my apartment, Aaron ran in to use the bathroom and Catherine asked me what the hell was up with him. Apparently he had sent her an e-mail (no balls man) saying he didnt want to date her, but wanted a casual relationship with her (no clue). She wanted advice about how to deal with this, and how to hook him for good. We chatted, and I warned her, just as I had warned him, to watch out for mixed signals (his sending, her reading). Anyways, they left, and I think it odd how well Catherine and I are getting along, and I marvel at the level of comfort we have with each other. Anyhow, I shake it off and go to bed. He stays with her again.
A few days later Aaron calls again and wants to grab a drink so me, Aaron, Brian and Catherine hit up Reverend's. We have a good time, and Aaron is still flirting up a storm despite the fact that he has reiterated to me and Brian, as well and Catherine, that he does not want a relatioship with her. Brian and I were pretty pissed. We agreed that Catherine was pretty awesome and that he was fucking with her head. Anyways, we decide to go for a drive...great stars, good discussion, and more flirting. I am stuck driving Brian home because Aaron is staying with Catherine again.
Two days later all hell breaks loose. Catherine and I chat on Facebook and on the phone a bit in preparation of a surprise meeting with Aaron at a bar in Toledo. He had ignored her calls for the past two days, amd she was a little miffed and wanted to put him on the spot. I wanted see his face when she walked in with me and Brian in the hopes that he would realize that he was being a jackoff. Oh fuck was he pissed. I quote "Dude, why did you bring her? You shouldn't have done that...you shouldn't have done that." Turns out that Aaron is trying to woo an ex named Jenny who was married (fucking moron). I was pissed, Brian was pissed, and Catherine, well she was uber-pissed. We stayed for a bit, Aaron sat there sullen, noncommunicative, and in general carrying on all cranky like. When we left, Brian, Catherine and I went for another drive and basically, Catherine realized that she was being used, manipulated, and more/less made to relive why she got a divorce. She wrote Aaron a pissed e-mail and rightfully so. She and I talked online as she wrote it that night (well morning). Anyhow, I wake up to a REALLY pissed off voicemail from Aaron, the highlights of which include the statement "Don't ever bring her anywhere without my permission...we are not some foursome of friends. I'd like to keep her separate from my other friends." I...was...livid. Thus began the end of our friendship, at least as it stands now. A flurry of insulting emials ensued in which his arrogance and inability to see his own faults ran rampant, and I responded with some pretty spiteful words of my own. In the end, the things that had always bothered me about Aaron came bubbling to the surface (his immaturaty, his need to control everything, his use of depression as an excuse to be a bastard...and my inability to stop myself from letting him get away with it all just to try and keep a friend). I decided to stop responding and that was about a week ago. Haven't heard a peep from him since.
Catherine and I talked a few times over email and text message after that until Thursday, July 29th, 2009. Just after dinner time Catherine called me and we talked for a while...for like an hour before she went on a ill-advised date, and then for three more hours after that. I got most of the ex-husband/divorce/custody of Liam story during that conversation, and I was happy to listen. For one thing I was connecting with someone who trusted me, and that was exhilerating because the older I get, the harder it is. For another thing, I have a feeling that stories similar to this will crop up more often as I continue to grow into adulthood, so the practice was nice.
Well, I went home that Friday to house-sit for my parents while they were in Seattle, but I realized that I had forgotten to pay my rent the night before, so I had to come back to Bowling Green. Throughout the day Catherine and I talked off and on through text message and over the phone. We started talking about Chinese food. We agreed that when I came back to BG we would go out to the Old COuntry Buffet and grab some dinner, which was great. Catherine loves sushi, which they serve, and I like both sushi and Chinese food, so we were both happy. I'm not real sure if either of us considered this to be a date, but whatever,,,I just knew I liked her company. After dinner we went back to my apartment, which was cleaner, but by no means immaculate. She immediately went to work, and we cleaned for around 3 hours! I was a little sullen at first as no one likes to have someone come in and tell you what to do etc. but I got over it and eventually began to appreciate the help. Whilst we cleaned she was fielding text messages from a guy in Virginia named Luke...a military guy she had met online and once had something with. She kept asking me advice about what to say...he intimated that he wanted her to come out for a visit, and she played along thinking that if he would pay for the plane ticket, she could have a weekend of great sex or something. I kinda played along too, but noted often how bad of an idea it was. Personally I think she was just looking for an excuse to not have to think about Liam and the ever-nearing court date. Anyways, she told him it had to be that weekend and he said he couldn't, so that was the end of that. After we finished cleaning she was pretty tired and I still had to drive back to Sylvania, so I dropped her off at home, and started my drive. Before I left she mentioned how Saturday was laundry day and she had tons to do. Knowing that I had access to a washer and drier (free ones) I told her to come down to my parents' house and do her laundry there. She said that could work well and said she'd call me tomorrow. My phone had died earlier, and when I got home I realized that I had forgotten to tell her that her feet were BLACK from cleaning barefoot, so I quickly plugged my phone in and started to send a text message in case she was still awake. Turns out she had called me already asking me if I would help her new neighbors move in, but I never got the message until it was too late. Oh well. I sent my message, got no response, and settled in for a few hours of reading Harlan Coben's No Second Chance. About 45 mins later she called the house phone (I had given her the number earlier) to say thank you and that she was greatful bcse she hadn't gotten into bed yet. I also mentioned that I was prepared to cook her dinner as a thank you for cleaning my apartment. She said that sounded excellent. So, the evening ended well.
The next day I awaited her arrival with mixed emotions. I was excited to hang with someone I was really starting to like, but I still hadn't decided exactly how to handle the situation. For one thing, she was pretty vulnerable given her custody crap and I knew she was looking for a stabilizing force. I told myself the night before while driving home that I would be that stable influence, someone she could lean on without judgung her or anything. For another thing though, I knew I was attracted to Catherine. We laughed a lot together, had similar interests, and seemed very compatable. Did I mention that she is stunningly beautiful? I decided to let her articulate what she wanted from me by simply playing it cool and allowing her to dictate most of the terms of our friendship/relationship. Anyways, I am not exactly in shape, so I kindof planned a tiny con: to be mowing the lawn when she arrived so that she could see me doing some work lol. God I can be so petty sometimes. Funy thing is, she makes me want to be a better person so I guess it wasn't really manipulative. Anyways, she gets to the house around 3:30 maybe and starts her laundry. I finish the lawn. I come in and we make a few quick sandwiches for lunch. I had little to drink, so we decided to make some iced tea. Well, she likes sweet tea, and I like it sun-dried without sugar, so we made both. I could tell she was a little antsy: she kept saying things like "I'm so jumpy" or "I'm bored lets do something." I wasn't really sure what to think lol. So, I told her I needed a shower and went upstairs to do so.
She said she had brought a book read in case I had other things to do so it was fine. I showered and came back downstairs, and by now it was around 6:30. She had finished 2 of 6 loads or so, but she had done the first load with my detergent since she was running out. Turns out the scent or whatever from some detergents makes her break out, so she would have to rewash that load. Man, that sucks! Anyways, we realize that if she was going to finish all her laundry she would be around for quite a while, so we went to the store to shop for dinner. I had barbeque marinated chicken at home, and she suggested a side of fetuccini alfredo. Good deal. We also picked up some lemonade mix and some green beans. Then she mentioned that she needed to buy some face cream for her trip to Texas for the court date. We found some, and I bought it for her since I know she is as poor as I am and I had some money from my parents. She was appreciative, which pleased me because some people take handouts as if they deserve them. Not Catherine: she was very happy.
So we return and start to make dinner. I defrost the chicken while she peels the garlic. I put the chicken on the grill with the beans while she monitored the pasta and made lemonade. We made quite a nice little team if I do say so myself! We ate dinner outside on the back porch and it was pretty good. I was apprehensive because I am no expert cook and use the grill rarely. The chicken was good but a little overdone, but everything else was great! By this point we had each gotten into my parents' ample and rarely used liquer supply. I was drinking gin and tonics and she was drinking her version of mudslides: khaluha, Grey Goose vodka, milk, and chocolate. She then moved on to just vodka and lemonade. We made small talk for a while, and she mentioned that she was going to take me up on my offer stay the night. Score? She did another load of laundry and we settled in to watch a movie. We decided that Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix would work nicely. Despite several interruptions because one of us had to pee or when she needed to take out clothes and fold them, it was fun. She is like me during movies: a few remarks here and there are fun and fine, but no conversations! It ended and we adjourned to bed in separate beedrooms. I had a dream in which she came into mine during the middle of the night and just slept next to me....very weird.
I figured that she would leave early the next day, but I figured wrong lol. I got up around 10:15 and headed downstairs. She was awake and arranging her clothes and finishing one last load. We had a quick breakfast of Basic 4, and I thought she was gonna head out. Instead she asked to use the computer. I said sure. She started to hunt for e-mail communications she could use in her court case, and asked my opinion on what would prove the points she wanted to make. I was happy to listen, and after an hour we had some pretty good evidence. Then she called Progressive and checked on her car insurance obligations for when she rented a car in Texas. I hopped in the shower, and apparently she did too in the other bathroom. It was time for us to part ways as I wanted to return to BG as well and see if my neighbor Rebecca had further cleaned my apartment as she had said she would. I got back to BG around 3pm and I was so surprised. On top of what Catherine and I had done Friday night, Rebecca had cleaned the kitchen and living room. It was stunning. I sent Catherine an email thanking her for a great weekend, and stated to read When the Wind Blows by James Patterson. I knew Catherine was cleaning amongst other things, and I knew we had spent a lot of time together, so I figured I would let her have some time away from me lol. She texted me two hours later saying that she was so used to my company that several times she started saying something thinking I was around. She then asked me straight up to come help her clean because she didnt want to do it alone.
I said sure.
I went over and after some pleasantries we set to work. First thing first, clean and rearrange Liam's bedroom...no small feat. I think we were a bit cranky for a while...lack of sleep, too much time around each other, her worry about the court case, my worry about what was happening. Plus, she had convinced me to quit smoking...though I bought a pack on the way back to BG. If things took any odd turns with Catherine I knew I would need them. After Liam's room was finished (moved evrything out, vaccumed, moved everything back in new positions) we cleaned up all his toys that he had hidden around the house and those that she had packed into ecofriendly grocery bags by the door. Next, we wanted dinner and it was getting late, so I offered to take the recycling stuff to the recycle center down the street and grab a pizza. She promised to finish cleaning and make a nice salad. I came back, and she had one more job for me before dinner: replace blown out lightbulbs. Sounds easy right? No. Several of her lights were screwed into the ceiling so I had to unscrew the case, change the bulb, and then screw the case back on. Would have been easy except that previous owners had screwed directly into the ceiling and into insulation. I finally got it all done and then my mom called JUST as we were sitting doen to dinner about 9:45. She had figured out that a girl had been over. Her evidence: the facial cream cream wrapper in the bathrom from what Catherine and I had bought earlier that weekend. Haha, she caught me in a lie. I didnt want to tell her about Catherine, partially because my parents are semi-judgemental and partially because I wasn't sure what was going on with us anyways. So I lied and told her no. She knew lol. I called her back after dinner and told her most of the truth. She sounded underwhelmed, but didn't really care. The night was winding down, and so were both Catherine and I. We decided on a movie before bed. Though she wanted to watch Dr. Zhivago (which I had let her borrow) it was late so we settled on Mickey Blue Eyes. I almost fell asleep several times, and she stated as the movie ended "Ok...Aaron, I don't want to be awake anymore." She is so adorable sometimes! So, we said our goodbyes and I returned to my apartment down the street. And so, this is where things stand now although her Facebook status was just changed to "Cathering is believing" whatever that means.
Of course I cannot recount every little thing that happened over the weekend, but one thing I know for certain: it was kind of fun to live and be domestic with Catherine for a while. We were kindof like parents living at home when the kids are away for a weekend. All I know is that I laughed a ton, and enjoyed myself immensely. And this all with a woman I have known for only a little over a month.
Saturday August 8th - 2:35 a.m.
Since Sunday, Catherine and I have talked every day. I find that I really miss her company when shes not physically around. Monday, we just texted back and forth and talked a bit on the phone before going for a pretty long walk. We talked mostly about her upcoming court case and the possible deals she could make with Bill, her ex. I could tell that she was slowly starting to build up to panic mode, and I KNEW she needed someone around to take her mind off things. I was more than happ to be that person. Tuesday we talked a bit during the day, and I was going to drop by her place late to eat some sushi I had purchased. She realized though that she had a school project she needed to finish and turn in before she left, so I suggested that we forgo hanging out that night so she could go to bed early and wake up early and rested and finish everything. That way the sushi would be a reward. This was the first night I noticed that neither of us really wanted to get off the phone with the other. I only hoped it was for similar reasons. As it turns out, she didnt go to bed early at all, but watched Dr. Zhivago instead lol. That is such an Aaron thing to do! I was amused.
Wednesday night I was supposed to hang some pictures up for Liam's bedroom, but we was pretty busy most of the day and we didnt really talk much. I thought maybe she was ignoring me, but in reality she had been on the phone with Liam for a while. I felt bad for pestering her lol. Around 8:30 or so I finally went over and we hung the pictures (2 Superman and 2 Batman portraits...very cool, old, classic comic book covers. We settled in to eat the sushi and she made an interesting pasta: angel hair with spinich and miso. It was pretty good. We then decided to rent a movie, and settled on Dane Cook's Vicious Circle. We laughed uproariously...god I love her laugh. The night ended, and I left.
Thursday was an odd day to be sure. I woke up late (11ish...hey its summer for me) and she called and wanted to know if she could stop by later. I said Id be home so I waited. She came by around 3:30 and she was not in good shape. Her ex had called and mentioned several things. First, he said that he wanted Liam for a shorter period of time next summer (bastard). Second, he told her that he was open to making a deal, which was good news to my ears, though he still wanted to keep the court date. Third, he said he did not want full custody of Liam...he had sued for it and this was why Catherine had set the court date to move jurisdiction to Ohio. We talked for a while about what that meant, but became more and more furious. She was unhinged a bit about how much of an ass he is, and how manipulative he is. In fact, she wanted to break things and let out some aggression. So, I drew a bullseye on a sheet of paper on my door, and told her to throw pencils and markers at it. Then ran into my bedroom, grabbed my pillow, and SCREAMED into it. From there, she said she wanted company for dinner and while she packed for the plane ride to Texas on Friday. Of course I agreed. As we were leaving my neighbor Rebecca was outside.
I had given her a ride to a meeting on Wednesday, and talked a bit to her about Catherine so she knew relatively what was going on. As Catherine pulled out she said out loud "Is that her? Oh!" and she covered her mouth. She came to my car window and said "Oh Aaron shes beautiful." I responded "Oh yes, don't I know it!" Haha. Anyways, I put that compliment in my back pocket until later when Catherine was having another down moment.
Back at Catherine's apartment, she called Liam while I went out for some food. I came back and we made dinner while she put clothes away. We ate tensely as she was really worried. I helped her pack then (by helped I mean I sat on her bed and talked to her so she wouldn't freak out) until she was almost done. Then she wanted to watch Vicious Circle again lol. We did, and afterwards I prepared to leave. Instead, she sat on the chair across from me and said "Aaron, I am freaking out. I am freaking out!" We talked for a bit more, and I tried to calm her down so she could get to bed. Her flight was leaving from Akron at 12:45 pm friday afternoon, and Akron is two and a half hours away. She was going to be up at 6am...it was already almost 1am. I suggested she get some sleep, but she said she didnt think she could, and mentioned wanting someone to play with her hair. I thought about volunteering, but I didn't. I figured it would be bad to add to the situation. Well, she mentioned it again a few minutes later, and this time could not resist being close to her. She came over and laid a pillow on my lap and laid down. I stoked her beautiful, soft hair for about an hour as she dozed on and off. I was in heaven in some ways. I have really missed being close to someone. I only hoped it helped her feel safe and wanted. I mentoned that it was 2am and she HAD to sleep, so I got up to leave. Before leaving I gave her my Hebrew hand of God (a prayer for travelers) from my keychain, and gave her a big, strong hug. I whispered in her ear "Be safe and remember you are right in all of this..." and said goodbye. God but I wanted to kiss her forehead. I got home, but couldn't sleep. I wrote her an email instead, hoping she would get it during the day friday and it would make her smile. I wrote:
Catherine
I have been trying to fall asleep but it just was not happening. Something felt incomplete. At first I couldn't put my finger on it, but now I realize that in my sleepy stupor I didn't say some things I wanted to say. After the range of emotions you went through today, and vicariously me too, my mind keeps wandering to one simple truth: I am really going to miss you. I just felt the need to let you know that.
I am truly hoping things turn out welll for you because I know you absolutely deserve it. I can tell without ever having seen you and Liam together that you are a great mother,
and I already know that you are an amazing person in so many ways! Please do not forget these two truths no matter what happens! You and Liam will both be in my thoughts this week.
Again, I am here if you need anything.
Be safe and keep in touch if you can...
Aaron-
I wanted to craft it perfectly...to have a balance of empathy, steadfastness, and strength, topped off with a reminder that I would be thinking about her and miss her.
I received a text about noon friday saying "That hug was great. It has given me strength today ;)" I was very pleased! I did not hear from her the rest of the day, so I sent a text asking if she had arrived safe and sound, which she had. Then, though it took all my willpower to not keep texting her, I told her that I knew she was staying with a friend and she was exhausted, and that I would say good night...and I wished her sweet dreams, to which she replied "OK, goodnight!"
And that is where things stand now, as of 3:15am Saturday August 8th. I wish she had responded to my email, but she has other things on her mind I am sure. All I know is that after a brief period of time, I am falling pretty hard for someone I probably shouldn't. It has not escaped me that this seems to be a recurring scenario...the ones I cannot or should not have. But long story short, I cannot get her out of my mind, and it is taking all my strength to leave her be and do what she needs to do in Texas. I can only hope I am on her mind too, at least as much as I can in this trying time for her. Got that god damn Melvin Udall quotation from As Good as it Gets in my head: "You make me want to be a better man..." She already has in many ways. Does she feel the same? Am I a blip on her radar? Did she just use me as a rock of support in during an impossible situaiton? Could I be her Heathcliff (sans his maleviolence)? I suppose I'll find out soon enough...
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